oh so ....ah.

July 25th

(sung to Mandy Moore - Behind These Hazel Eyes)

Here I am, once again, sitting doing nothing. At my desk, in my chair, staring at my screen. Computer’s broke, boss is gone, and goats are eating everything again, within TOCaDI walls......

Yes. That is all true. But I got a free lunch today. So that is pretty good. And our French man came to visit which always brightens my day. Things are typically frustrating as usual here. We had planned to visit a potential TB patient in Shaikarawe to get her and her kids tested, but we were strongly encouraged to follow the ‘correct’ channels and to not use our vehicle as transport because of the precedent it would set. So through the channels we went... and ended up the creek with no where left to go. We called the hospital and the District TB Coordinator to find out about why the mobile clinic doesn’t have a vehicle... which is you know kind of essential for mobility. They said that it was not possible to provide a vehicle for them. The clinic I am referring to is in Mohembo and takes care of the settlement of Shaikarawe, which is about an hours walk away, but has only one nurse, no other staff and no vehicle since it was taken for repair 8 months ago and never returned.
So today instead of helping a patient get tested and finding treatment we sat in the office and muddled through the annoying bureaucracy of development. Why oh why do I have to capacitate people... it’s so much more difficult than just doing it yourself..and that is why I could not be a teacher or even in development. I would like to believe that I would be much more satisfied as a doctor that could just go and fix the patient.. but I have a feeling that I would still be limited by the bureaucracy and politics around me...and if I worked here I would be the one that couldn’t get anywhere to see patients and/or have no drugs or supplies to work with.
8 hours later... and work is almost done so I guess we just go home and pretend there’s not a mother of three children dying slowly alone because there’s a principle to be enforced. Even our ‘kind of’ boss at the office in D’Kar told us that under no circumstance can we take the vehicle to transport the nurse or the patient, even if she dies. Is this right? Do you aim for the sustainable solution and let people die on the way for the sake of the many others in the future who will benefit? Or do you act in compassion and where you are able, with the tools and resources you have been given?

July 24th.

Sound of music is stuck in my head and I just realized how much I like green tea. This is rather a random statement I know but that’s what I feel like today. Random. I’ve decided I should stop drinking coffee which means for now one every other day until I can bring myself to cut it down further. The patient got tested which was a huge success since the nurse managed to coordinate transport on his own. It’s insane when the ‘higher up’ people, like the District TB Coordinator do not actually do their jobs. I don’t know whether it’s avoiding the issue so that they don’t have to work or if it’s a lack of initiative because of the social norms they were raised with. I mean I understand laziness... I am also very lazy, but when it comes to someone’s life? or to my own career?? come on! I guess when you live in a country where getting fired doesn’t happen not working would be very common.... Yay for President Seretse Khama then... good job for firing those people. You have my respect.

p.s I would love to listen to Oh Land right now.

July 27th - Never Wonder

Wow I missed a day and I seriously don’t know where it went....was yesterday really the 26th? Did I think it was the 25th? I swear I have early onset Alzheimer’s. I was thinking about how it is here and how much I don’t fit. Have you ever been with three people for five days traveling and having campfires and never once had a reply to one of your questions without it becoming a confrontation? I have. Here it’s almost a sin to wonder. To ask Why? To think I wonder how those hills were formed, what trees those are, how long something will take...Here the rule is just don’t ask. You will find out. In fact it goes even further. If you do wonder if something could improve your situation or work more effectively don’t bother trying it. Just keep doing it the way you always have, even if it means a loss....I DON’T GET IT!
Lately my counterpart has accused me of not wanting to be here, of not doing anything. Which is half true....and yet she is standing outside in the garden right now, with all the other women...as they have been since 8 am... (it is now 10:30)... doing nothing! So who is really the one who doesn’t want to be here ??

It seems like the majority of my life here has consisted of washing clothes, taking care of puppies, sleeping and writing in this blog...Where is the development in that??? I’m actually thinking that going AWOL and heading to help out on a PIH project in Rwanda would be much more useful... Maybe I should write my thesis on the ineffectiveness of international development. Maybe more WOULD come out of an organization like TOCaDI disintegrating and letting the people pick up the pieces?

The room-mate situation is also disintegrating .. speaking of that ...I am sure she is getting tired of me.. and especially the little ones. She hates the puppies most of the time, guess she isn’t a dog person after all. So anyways PeaceCorps doesn’t allow her to live with any room-mates and yet she defied them and stayed with me. Initially. Now all of a sudden PeaceCorps knows about it, and they have put their foot down. Really it’s that she wants her privacy, and quiet and routine and I and my puppies disrupt that. Which is fine, but why not just say that? Why not just say I would rather have my own place? I know it’s exhausting to adjust to living with someone new and a new routine.. but it shouldn’t be embarrassing or shameful to admit that..So she’s moving out, to the small little room she initially had moved into... and in which she will wait in eager anticipation for me to leave. Then she will get her large house, with no puppies, can use my room to work out in and will have the kitchen to herself. I’m totally okay with that, I’m actually anticipating her move so that I can actually play my guitar again, and not have to lock my door all the time!! She’s just as bad as Matt lol.
I keep having the oddest nostalgic moments these days. Just a few moments ago I had a memory of sitting in Calla, Sameen and Crystal’s apartment working on our essays/assignments. The stress of school, with the assurance of good friends and the smell of yummy tea heating on the stove.


July 28th.
I am tempted to say I hate this place. My puppies have finally ventured out into the field.... out of the compound. It’s only a matter of time before they merge into crazy wolf dogs. I wonder if I can just tie them up? Then as soon as I let them off they will run away. I can’t believe they just walked away from me. I just want to go home. I’m tired of work and drama and arguing and this silliness.