Monday, 28 November 2011
the left-overs...are coming home.
This is the last of my blog.. besides the next and final entry... which I will write as I travel home. My contract has been terminated by the partner due to many illogical reasons.. and thus the university wants me to come home immediately. I will find out in about 3 hours why this is... and whether i can convince them to at least let me stay and take my later flight... which I'm sure they won't.
Whatever the reasons for this I have learned that sometimes people just hate you.. and there's nothing you can do. Sometimes you just don't have control over the situation. life throws you lemons, make lemonade. So i'm leaving Botswana... not really any detriment to me, besides emotional... and I now have so many friends here that if i wanted to return really I could... and maybe I will. But first I've realized that without God I am just floating... no I'm drowning. I need to float along with him in his spirit and find out who I really am, where I'm going and what he has in store for me.
i think that saying 'the world is my oyster' applies to me. there are so many things that i kind of would like to do.. nothing i desperately want to do. i think i may have rushed through life.. thinking i would die early and now i'm at that point where i just want to be enjoying the environment..animals and family.
i'm coming home. home to my Father in heaven. if home is where the heart is that is where my heart and my home should be. my roots should be in him.
why does this seem so simple for so many people? i keep waiting for what God is preparing me for.. he must be preparing me for something right? or am i just so hardheaded that i don't learn the simple things he's trying to teach me... that is much more likely i would think. lol.
i have taken many good things out of this trip. I've realized that i want to know God in the way i used to, to follow His heart, because my plans fall apart... and that i want love, i want to give love to someone who wants it.. i think that although it causes grief and pain it's the most beautiful things. i know that nature is what i love to be surrounded by.. i had convinced myself i could love the city.. but it's all a facade. i don't... it's just exciting and distracting. here i'm able to think... to begin to dream again.. i even wanted to paint!
i learned again that God is always faithful. and... i learned that i do need to grow up. i'm running from something.. myself maybe? i don't know.. but i do know that i'm not thinking logically... and i need to focus and follow after something.
so i'm coming home.
Nov 15th
I’m avoiding life right now... then colliding with it. Today I let life take me where it wanted but I was still productive, especially considering that I didn’t sleep last night. Yet again my brain thinks too much.. about nothing ... and solves nothing. I ended up doing my washing since we had water yea! and then got my tire fixed again since it was flat... had a nice conversation with Raja and found out his number so that I can get Indian food...or pizza! lol and then headed to Samochima. My car just kind of took me there ...
. it’s funny. it’s funny that I can have an eloquant soliloquy in my mind and when i go to put it to pen and paper it turns to gibberish. or an irate rant demanding respect and attention but if i try to type it the wind just blows it out of my mind...gone.
Just now I got my laptop out to write out ...something.. a rant, explanation.... something.. i can’t even remember about what.. and that was about 5 min ago. Now all that’s in my mind is an Ingrid Michaelson song playing a few lines over and over again... and the emotion of exhaustion... and how I wish I had a really good friend to talk to right now. i feel like sigur ros would be a really good friend to talk to.
I hate CIDA right now. As my facebook status so plainly put. Yes I do. Personally, all emotion removed (if such an act is possible), I feel that this ‘new’ policy they have infringes on my basic constitutional rights... doesn’t it? Did I ever sign in my contract that I would agree to returning whenever they’d like, even if I chose NOT to take their free flight? Can they actually force you to take the flight they paid for ??? That seems a little ethically wrong.... maybe I should do my thesis on that! The ethics of development - are organizations dictators? What are the ethical principals underlying what we call a development organization???? Should these entities even be calling the shots? Are they any better than NIKE or WalMart ? What makes them better than corporate organizations... don’t they too have a bottom line??? (ie. case in point we leave a woman on the side of the road...”it’s not in our mandate”) Helping people doesn’t have rules!!!! It’s messy.. .and love is unpredictable~
Love is the only thing that can drive out fear. and perfect love at that... God’s love. Unless we’re filled with that unpredictable Holy Spirit craziness we’ll never be able to achieve ‘development’. All we’ll accomplish is floundering around, rearranging and controlling people into the method we think is best at the time... oppressing some for now, others later.. as someone is always oppressed... who is it today?
i guess i have noting much else to say. i finally heard from the university... my research advisor and the coop supervisor in the span of one hour...! Wow .. parents seriously know how to light some people’s pants on fire. anyways one conversation was fairly encouraging, even a little hopeful and inspiring. the other yet another lecture... which really i don’t respond to at all... in fact i think it’s a little like spraying me with doom....i shrivel. So that was that. Watched some nice lightning. ...actually i went to the bar but it was closed... at 9:30 lol... sad right. guess no one was there.. that should be a good thing.. but it’s not it just means everyone who’s poor.. and has reason to drink is down at the shabeen.. drinking disgusting homemade beer. ew. so i sat on the chairs for a while and watched the lightning for a bit...
. listening to classical music makes me think of Calla .. :( i miss you!!! maybe i will take up cello..no violin when i get back to canada... if i don’t die of gloom beforehand.
this is what i think of when i let myself believe I’ll be home in january. ... “great. i have to have a birthday at home. i have no money. no clothes. sigh i don’t want to go shopping. THE MALL. shudder. *tear. the mall...... cars. lights. people. screaming. order. lines. cars. money. lights.blinking lights. open signs. music. house. houses. houses. houses.....will you read these as good? or bad? reading in my room... until 4 am. not sleeping. food banks. walking to the grocery stores. cold cold cold. snow. wind. cold. no friends. alone. basement dungeon. stress. plans. goals. ambition. get a job. pay rent. build debt. buy things. buy more things. have no friends. stretch my mind. turn off my mind. watch tv. watch more tv. movies.slush. READJUSTMENT. no one understands. leaving. leaving it all behind again. nothing gained. WHY am i so pessimistic ! why is it so easy to see all the bad things and have to dig for the good.??
but maybe these aren’t things just in canada.. maybe it’s just life and here i happen to be able to escape them. i have a job where things are taken care of.. i live close to the store.. so maybe it all just seems bad because i’m going to have to readjust again. erg. i don’t know if i’d rather not go back.. or go back to leave again.. or go back and stay for at least two years.. in one place.. can i even do that? Man i need a psychologist. or some better alcohol.
tomorrow i’ll be positive. no i’ll try to be.
November 17th
It’s raining lightly and I’m sitting by the river at Drotsky’s working on my research proposal and permission letters. It feels kind of like home. I’m warm in a sweater of Ali’s and sipping my tea. I don’t think I could be any happier right now really. Yet it’s laced with the bittersweet understanding that this is almost gone. Ten days till the guys and Ali leave. Then we’re off for Christmas, down to S.A. and then off to Canada. I don’t know if I love it here. I don’t think I do. It’s not like Haiti.... but at the same time I’m content. I can take care of myself here.. I’m managing and I don’t feel like I’m struggling to keep my head above water. I don’t know if it’s the birth control I’m on or if I really am this emotional right now but lately every so often I just cry. A little tear.. some just standing in my eyes...I was on the phone the other day with Monica (the new co-op supervisor) and she said everything will be fine... well that just set me off, I couldn’t speak lest I cry.
Strange days.
Nov 18th
I saw the most morbid and beautiful thing in the shower today. There was a spider that kind of looked like a daddy long legs, but nicer and it was spining some poor bug between it’s delicate little legs to cocoon it .. i’m guess for food later. It was so cool! I’ve never actually seen that with my own eyes. There’s so much life happening here right in front of you, I wonder if it’s like that at home but we just don’t notice or appreciate it. I was baking today and I guess I touched the fridge without washing my hands, well i went to sweep a bit later and glanced at the fridge when i walked past it and it was covered with flying ants ! What ? Where did they come from ? I guess a little rain makes everything come alive. :)
November 25th
Well Movember is nearly passed.. as is my stay at TOCaDI. My contract was terminated early by the coordinator and I have until Nov 30th to move. At first this was quite a shock but I think I very quickly realized what a blessing this is. I am very likely able to stay and finish my WUSC contract and my research which hopefully means I won’t have to cancel my S.A vacation :) I must say though that I will miss this house, the fact that I can sit out my front door and watch birds try to peck at their reflection in the side mirrors of my car... or maybe fly through it... lol. But I think that’s Botswana .. well the Delta for the most part so I’m sure wherever I go now it’ll be the same. This really is a wild place, I wish I could go in to the Delta and experience all those stories I keep hearing. Hide from elephants and dodge wildebeest, swim with crocs and see the most amazing sunsets.
We celebrated American thanksgiving yesterday, my first, and it was great! I love that you can travel across the world and eat a meal with a bunch of people you’ve known for a few months and they’re like family, that is a beautiful thing.
My research has taken quite the shift, from TB incentives to looking into San resettlement issues. We’ll see lol... but I KNOW that I am not a researcher... investigative journalist maybe.. documentary photographer likely....not researcher. You know I think that you should never doubt what you know about yourself. Why on earth do I trust other people about myself more than me !? I am me lol.
Today I will hear from the University, from Roger, the VP of student affairs... which is a little worrying to say the least.... Uniterra and WUSC have seemed so supportive about me staying I hope that my bubble of hope isn’t popped. Today I will enjoy today to the fullest, thankfully it’s a beautiful blue sky day, which is lovely after all of the rain we’ve been having. I will visit Drotsky’s talk with friends and celebrate a wonderful day and adventure into Bots.. then we’ll see what happens. Either way things will work out.
p.s. i think Alistair is right and i should stick to photos... ;)
Whatever the reasons for this I have learned that sometimes people just hate you.. and there's nothing you can do. Sometimes you just don't have control over the situation. life throws you lemons, make lemonade. So i'm leaving Botswana... not really any detriment to me, besides emotional... and I now have so many friends here that if i wanted to return really I could... and maybe I will. But first I've realized that without God I am just floating... no I'm drowning. I need to float along with him in his spirit and find out who I really am, where I'm going and what he has in store for me.
i think that saying 'the world is my oyster' applies to me. there are so many things that i kind of would like to do.. nothing i desperately want to do. i think i may have rushed through life.. thinking i would die early and now i'm at that point where i just want to be enjoying the environment..animals and family.
i'm coming home. home to my Father in heaven. if home is where the heart is that is where my heart and my home should be. my roots should be in him.
why does this seem so simple for so many people? i keep waiting for what God is preparing me for.. he must be preparing me for something right? or am i just so hardheaded that i don't learn the simple things he's trying to teach me... that is much more likely i would think. lol.
i have taken many good things out of this trip. I've realized that i want to know God in the way i used to, to follow His heart, because my plans fall apart... and that i want love, i want to give love to someone who wants it.. i think that although it causes grief and pain it's the most beautiful things. i know that nature is what i love to be surrounded by.. i had convinced myself i could love the city.. but it's all a facade. i don't... it's just exciting and distracting. here i'm able to think... to begin to dream again.. i even wanted to paint!
i learned again that God is always faithful. and... i learned that i do need to grow up. i'm running from something.. myself maybe? i don't know.. but i do know that i'm not thinking logically... and i need to focus and follow after something.
so i'm coming home.
Nov 15th
I’m avoiding life right now... then colliding with it. Today I let life take me where it wanted but I was still productive, especially considering that I didn’t sleep last night. Yet again my brain thinks too much.. about nothing ... and solves nothing. I ended up doing my washing since we had water yea! and then got my tire fixed again since it was flat... had a nice conversation with Raja and found out his number so that I can get Indian food...or pizza! lol and then headed to Samochima. My car just kind of took me there ...
. it’s funny. it’s funny that I can have an eloquant soliloquy in my mind and when i go to put it to pen and paper it turns to gibberish. or an irate rant demanding respect and attention but if i try to type it the wind just blows it out of my mind...gone.
Just now I got my laptop out to write out ...something.. a rant, explanation.... something.. i can’t even remember about what.. and that was about 5 min ago. Now all that’s in my mind is an Ingrid Michaelson song playing a few lines over and over again... and the emotion of exhaustion... and how I wish I had a really good friend to talk to right now. i feel like sigur ros would be a really good friend to talk to.
I hate CIDA right now. As my facebook status so plainly put. Yes I do. Personally, all emotion removed (if such an act is possible), I feel that this ‘new’ policy they have infringes on my basic constitutional rights... doesn’t it? Did I ever sign in my contract that I would agree to returning whenever they’d like, even if I chose NOT to take their free flight? Can they actually force you to take the flight they paid for ??? That seems a little ethically wrong.... maybe I should do my thesis on that! The ethics of development - are organizations dictators? What are the ethical principals underlying what we call a development organization???? Should these entities even be calling the shots? Are they any better than NIKE or WalMart ? What makes them better than corporate organizations... don’t they too have a bottom line??? (ie. case in point we leave a woman on the side of the road...”it’s not in our mandate”) Helping people doesn’t have rules!!!! It’s messy.. .and love is unpredictable~
Love is the only thing that can drive out fear. and perfect love at that... God’s love. Unless we’re filled with that unpredictable Holy Spirit craziness we’ll never be able to achieve ‘development’. All we’ll accomplish is floundering around, rearranging and controlling people into the method we think is best at the time... oppressing some for now, others later.. as someone is always oppressed... who is it today?
i guess i have noting much else to say. i finally heard from the university... my research advisor and the coop supervisor in the span of one hour...! Wow .. parents seriously know how to light some people’s pants on fire. anyways one conversation was fairly encouraging, even a little hopeful and inspiring. the other yet another lecture... which really i don’t respond to at all... in fact i think it’s a little like spraying me with doom....i shrivel. So that was that. Watched some nice lightning. ...actually i went to the bar but it was closed... at 9:30 lol... sad right. guess no one was there.. that should be a good thing.. but it’s not it just means everyone who’s poor.. and has reason to drink is down at the shabeen.. drinking disgusting homemade beer. ew. so i sat on the chairs for a while and watched the lightning for a bit...
. listening to classical music makes me think of Calla .. :( i miss you!!! maybe i will take up cello..no violin when i get back to canada... if i don’t die of gloom beforehand.
this is what i think of when i let myself believe I’ll be home in january. ... “great. i have to have a birthday at home. i have no money. no clothes. sigh i don’t want to go shopping. THE MALL. shudder. *tear. the mall...... cars. lights. people. screaming. order. lines. cars. money. lights.blinking lights. open signs. music. house. houses. houses. houses.....will you read these as good? or bad? reading in my room... until 4 am. not sleeping. food banks. walking to the grocery stores. cold cold cold. snow. wind. cold. no friends. alone. basement dungeon. stress. plans. goals. ambition. get a job. pay rent. build debt. buy things. buy more things. have no friends. stretch my mind. turn off my mind. watch tv. watch more tv. movies.slush. READJUSTMENT. no one understands. leaving. leaving it all behind again. nothing gained. WHY am i so pessimistic ! why is it so easy to see all the bad things and have to dig for the good.??
but maybe these aren’t things just in canada.. maybe it’s just life and here i happen to be able to escape them. i have a job where things are taken care of.. i live close to the store.. so maybe it all just seems bad because i’m going to have to readjust again. erg. i don’t know if i’d rather not go back.. or go back to leave again.. or go back and stay for at least two years.. in one place.. can i even do that? Man i need a psychologist. or some better alcohol.
tomorrow i’ll be positive. no i’ll try to be.
November 17th
It’s raining lightly and I’m sitting by the river at Drotsky’s working on my research proposal and permission letters. It feels kind of like home. I’m warm in a sweater of Ali’s and sipping my tea. I don’t think I could be any happier right now really. Yet it’s laced with the bittersweet understanding that this is almost gone. Ten days till the guys and Ali leave. Then we’re off for Christmas, down to S.A. and then off to Canada. I don’t know if I love it here. I don’t think I do. It’s not like Haiti.... but at the same time I’m content. I can take care of myself here.. I’m managing and I don’t feel like I’m struggling to keep my head above water. I don’t know if it’s the birth control I’m on or if I really am this emotional right now but lately every so often I just cry. A little tear.. some just standing in my eyes...I was on the phone the other day with Monica (the new co-op supervisor) and she said everything will be fine... well that just set me off, I couldn’t speak lest I cry.
Strange days.
Nov 18th
I saw the most morbid and beautiful thing in the shower today. There was a spider that kind of looked like a daddy long legs, but nicer and it was spining some poor bug between it’s delicate little legs to cocoon it .. i’m guess for food later. It was so cool! I’ve never actually seen that with my own eyes. There’s so much life happening here right in front of you, I wonder if it’s like that at home but we just don’t notice or appreciate it. I was baking today and I guess I touched the fridge without washing my hands, well i went to sweep a bit later and glanced at the fridge when i walked past it and it was covered with flying ants ! What ? Where did they come from ? I guess a little rain makes everything come alive. :)
November 25th
Well Movember is nearly passed.. as is my stay at TOCaDI. My contract was terminated early by the coordinator and I have until Nov 30th to move. At first this was quite a shock but I think I very quickly realized what a blessing this is. I am very likely able to stay and finish my WUSC contract and my research which hopefully means I won’t have to cancel my S.A vacation :) I must say though that I will miss this house, the fact that I can sit out my front door and watch birds try to peck at their reflection in the side mirrors of my car... or maybe fly through it... lol. But I think that’s Botswana .. well the Delta for the most part so I’m sure wherever I go now it’ll be the same. This really is a wild place, I wish I could go in to the Delta and experience all those stories I keep hearing. Hide from elephants and dodge wildebeest, swim with crocs and see the most amazing sunsets.
We celebrated American thanksgiving yesterday, my first, and it was great! I love that you can travel across the world and eat a meal with a bunch of people you’ve known for a few months and they’re like family, that is a beautiful thing.
My research has taken quite the shift, from TB incentives to looking into San resettlement issues. We’ll see lol... but I KNOW that I am not a researcher... investigative journalist maybe.. documentary photographer likely....not researcher. You know I think that you should never doubt what you know about yourself. Why on earth do I trust other people about myself more than me !? I am me lol.
Today I will hear from the University, from Roger, the VP of student affairs... which is a little worrying to say the least.... Uniterra and WUSC have seemed so supportive about me staying I hope that my bubble of hope isn’t popped. Today I will enjoy today to the fullest, thankfully it’s a beautiful blue sky day, which is lovely after all of the rain we’ve been having. I will visit Drotsky’s talk with friends and celebrate a wonderful day and adventure into Bots.. then we’ll see what happens. Either way things will work out.
p.s. i think Alistair is right and i should stick to photos... ;)
Friday, 4 November 2011
reseaaaaarch....
Yeah. I’m working on my ‘research’
So the extent of my research carried out so far... is some thoughts, a proposal that I’m no longer using and one that’s half finished....The fake proposal was much easier to do ....I am currently working on my new proposal... and by that I mean listening to music and drinking some beer while sitting out in the sun... and reading a book about small-scale research... kind-of. BUT at least I’m not at the pool and hanging out with boys... which is usually what I do.Now it’s time to get to actual work considering I have one month left and it seems that it may be a bit of a war to be able to stay longer to actually do research that is of any significance....I’m pretty sure there are wasps making a nest in my sink... not that it matters since I have no water to wash anything with lol...
I wonder how everyone else is managing on their placements...
So the question burning in my mind these days is who am i? well maybe not who.. but what do i want? A friend told me nonchalantly the other day that next year when I’m done my undergrad I should take the time to just do something I want to do, just for me. I laughed and said yea I should.. but then I really started to think about it... Haven’t I always been doing things for me.... or things i felt I should be doing? I don’t even know! lol.. how messed up is that.. maybe I am schizophrenic.. I mean how does someone not know what they want... or what their goals are? Maybe I used up all my passion while I was young.. do we get that in limited quantities? I think the world may be too big for me... and have too much to offer maybe? If I took a year and didn’t follow the practical path.. what would I do? I honestly have no answer anymore... and then I realize I actually have millions of answers I just don’t know which one is the right one.
Good news..! I have a friend who worked a miracle and fixed my computer power cord.. which is great b/c it’s a horrible task to try to get one over here!
ok back to actual work...
ahhhhh i have no motivation!!
So the extent of my research carried out so far... is some thoughts, a proposal that I’m no longer using and one that’s half finished....The fake proposal was much easier to do ....I am currently working on my new proposal... and by that I mean listening to music and drinking some beer while sitting out in the sun... and reading a book about small-scale research... kind-of. BUT at least I’m not at the pool and hanging out with boys... which is usually what I do.Now it’s time to get to actual work considering I have one month left and it seems that it may be a bit of a war to be able to stay longer to actually do research that is of any significance....I’m pretty sure there are wasps making a nest in my sink... not that it matters since I have no water to wash anything with lol...
I wonder how everyone else is managing on their placements...
So the question burning in my mind these days is who am i? well maybe not who.. but what do i want? A friend told me nonchalantly the other day that next year when I’m done my undergrad I should take the time to just do something I want to do, just for me. I laughed and said yea I should.. but then I really started to think about it... Haven’t I always been doing things for me.... or things i felt I should be doing? I don’t even know! lol.. how messed up is that.. maybe I am schizophrenic.. I mean how does someone not know what they want... or what their goals are? Maybe I used up all my passion while I was young.. do we get that in limited quantities? I think the world may be too big for me... and have too much to offer maybe? If I took a year and didn’t follow the practical path.. what would I do? I honestly have no answer anymore... and then I realize I actually have millions of answers I just don’t know which one is the right one.
Good news..! I have a friend who worked a miracle and fixed my computer power cord.. which is great b/c it’s a horrible task to try to get one over here!
ok back to actual work...
ahhhhh i have no motivation!!
Sunday, 9 October 2011
I'm tripping on my boredom
I’m tripping on my boredom
even here is Africa boredom follows you.. yes it took about 5 months to catch up with me but now it’s surrounding my feet and entangling me. Maybe this isn’t boredom actually ...it’s perhaps being chased by things that you have to do, or at least think you have to do and finally having to do them! Here I am in Botswana plagued by the same things that irritate me in Canada, air conditioning on a beautiful warm day, having to sit in front of my computer all day long, and taking my stress out by baking... which doesn’t really alleviate any stress it just adds more cleaning, which at least keeps me occupied lol.
Research is begun.
I don’t understand why we do things we don’t enjoy.. and say we have to do them. It’s puzzling really b/c all it does is cause a lot of stress and anxiety. Why don’t we all just follow our dreams and do things we enjoy?
So maybe I’m in Namibia withdrawl. Let me tell you a bit about Namibia. We drove to Windhoek first stop which was insane. It’s like a real city, stoplights, restaurants and best of all customer service! Then we headed to Swakopmund which is right on the coast and in a desert. It’s cold there and I definitely wasn’t expecting that, I guess the ocean breeze cools things off even though it’s a desert. We went out for sushi at a restaurant on a long jetty, sat on the beach and drank wine, climbed a giant sand dune at sunset and i went fishing for snook in the ocean and caught five. Now i’m sitting on the patio floor by my office listening to cows moo and watching ants scurry by... since I can’t find the key to the office. Morgan went to an overnight flight at some sweet lodge in the Delta, Dinah’s napping, church is cancelled and Alastair’s far away... sigh I’m bored. But mostly in Namibia withdrawl.
If you can go do it. It’s great.
Lily apparently likes to eat ants... she’s downed about 20 of them since I started writing this. lol. At least she does something useful... doesn’t seem to help in the house though when it’s swarming with ants....
I can’t wait for the rainy season to start so that I can watch cool lightning shows.... why does no one like to go swimming here? It’s annoying b/c there’s a pool and we can use it .. but no one wants to go with me.. if I go alone i just look as if I’m going after the guy who live there... and maybe I am but I don’t want to seem desperate...
have you ever had a very beautful but scary spider on your laptop while you’re typing ... i do right now.
and i think that’s the end of my entry . i know it hasn’t made much sense but then again i’m not feeling very sensible today... lol. miss you all!
even here is Africa boredom follows you.. yes it took about 5 months to catch up with me but now it’s surrounding my feet and entangling me. Maybe this isn’t boredom actually ...it’s perhaps being chased by things that you have to do, or at least think you have to do and finally having to do them! Here I am in Botswana plagued by the same things that irritate me in Canada, air conditioning on a beautiful warm day, having to sit in front of my computer all day long, and taking my stress out by baking... which doesn’t really alleviate any stress it just adds more cleaning, which at least keeps me occupied lol.
Research is begun.
I don’t understand why we do things we don’t enjoy.. and say we have to do them. It’s puzzling really b/c all it does is cause a lot of stress and anxiety. Why don’t we all just follow our dreams and do things we enjoy?
So maybe I’m in Namibia withdrawl. Let me tell you a bit about Namibia. We drove to Windhoek first stop which was insane. It’s like a real city, stoplights, restaurants and best of all customer service! Then we headed to Swakopmund which is right on the coast and in a desert. It’s cold there and I definitely wasn’t expecting that, I guess the ocean breeze cools things off even though it’s a desert. We went out for sushi at a restaurant on a long jetty, sat on the beach and drank wine, climbed a giant sand dune at sunset and i went fishing for snook in the ocean and caught five. Now i’m sitting on the patio floor by my office listening to cows moo and watching ants scurry by... since I can’t find the key to the office. Morgan went to an overnight flight at some sweet lodge in the Delta, Dinah’s napping, church is cancelled and Alastair’s far away... sigh I’m bored. But mostly in Namibia withdrawl.
If you can go do it. It’s great.
Lily apparently likes to eat ants... she’s downed about 20 of them since I started writing this. lol. At least she does something useful... doesn’t seem to help in the house though when it’s swarming with ants....
I can’t wait for the rainy season to start so that I can watch cool lightning shows.... why does no one like to go swimming here? It’s annoying b/c there’s a pool and we can use it .. but no one wants to go with me.. if I go alone i just look as if I’m going after the guy who live there... and maybe I am but I don’t want to seem desperate...
have you ever had a very beautful but scary spider on your laptop while you’re typing ... i do right now.
and i think that’s the end of my entry . i know it hasn’t made much sense but then again i’m not feeling very sensible today... lol. miss you all!
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
Wow I finally have internet... but now the gas is gone...
Sept 18th
Hey it’s been a while. Guess I actually got busy for a while. Things are starting to compress... time that is and suddenly I realize that I actually have a lot to do if I consider the fact that I’m supposed to be doing research. Trying to get a proposal done that’s half decent, while fishing and hanging out plus doing ‘work’ is actually quite a lot. Not to mention that daily chores take up about a quarter of your time here.. actually make that half.
Right now for instance it’s Sunday evening and I actually have a few hours with nothing to do. So instead of working on my proposal I decide to sweep and mop the floors, wash the dishes and tidy up my room, finally unpacking those packages I received from back home.
The benefits, I now have a nice clean house, with water jugs filled and no ants :) Also my wall looks pretty with the pictures and drawings I got in my packages finally up. Cons, I am yet another day behind...which makes it about 2 and a half months late now... I wonder if that’s a record?
Things have been going well lately. The puppies are growing up so fast and are finally reaching the stage where I can leave them at home alone for quite a few hours and they won’t eat anything or poop anywhere. We took them up to Tsodilo Hills yesterday, which is a world heritage site that has ancient rock paintings from about 3000 years ago or something. It’s pretty cool, especially the paintings of the penguins and whales, which must have been from San people who traveled to South Africa or Namibia.
pause... a giant beetle just got in my house and it can fly....
Work has been fairly productive and things with my counterpart are bearable. We’ve got some really good activities coming up and we’ve been visiting the settlements a lot more... hence why I am never online or have a cell network :( But it’s good because the CTBCs are making progress and it actually feels like we’re starting to do health education... or at least the monitoring of it.
I found out one of my friends has TB which definitely makes the problem or epidemic much more real. I saw her on a friday and she was ‘sick’ but looked fairly well. We all thought that she had malaria but she wasn’t getting better so she went to a clinic in Maun. I found out the Monday that she wasn’t well at all and that I should go and visit her. No one mentioned what was wrong, just that I should go visit. That immediately made me think it was TB or HIV. When I visited she looked terrible, like someone you would imagine was starving. She was lying on a mattress on the floor and could barely even lift her head she was so weak. This was only after two days on TB medication which was causing side effects such as vomiting and diarrhea. An already thin woman she must have lost another 20 lbs in a few days.
I think that coming from the West we have this perception of TB being like something a little bit worse than a cold virus. Maybe even better because we can treat it. Seeing how it eats away at people though changes the entire persona of the disease. MDR-TB is even worse (multi-drug resistant). If you get this and give it to one of your family members or friends they have a much higher chance of developing XDR-TB for which there is usually very little you can do. As the patient dies they cannot even be with family members since it’s so contagious and are usually isolated on their own.
We have 4 MDR-TB patients in Qangwa, which is one of the San settlements we work in. Patients get MDR -TB either from another person with MDR, which would be considered primary MDR or from poor treatment adherence and/or treatment dosage. In Qangwa a lot of our patients give reasons of poverty for not adhering. They often go into the bush to look for groundnuts, fruit and wild game to supplement what little food (usually sorghum or maize) they have, which is often even just a portion of someone’s government food ration.
The government gives food rations to TB patients who are eligible in order to help them put weight back on and so that their treatment is more effective. TB treatment won’t work as well on a person who is malnourished. The problem is that the rations are only for that patient, and by the time they finish feeding half the village, as is required, there isn’t really enough to help.
The project we’re starting and I’m hoping to research is possibly going to try and address this through giving patients an incentive to finish the program. I’m not really sure why someone would need an incentive besides life itself, but apparently similar programs have been successful in other places. The idea is that if the patient completes treatment (6-8 months) without missing treatment they are qualified to receive a live goat which hopefully they will raise and breed to gain income and prevent malnourishment in the villages.
September 27th
Let me just say that I am so tired. I'm not trying to complain but seriously can't one day go by without something going terribly wrong or just inconveniently. Last night I pulled 15 Putzi fly larvae out of my puppies. Ew. And I thought ticks were bad. Lets just say I cannot wait to get back to Canada. Apparently these fly larvae like to lay their eggs on peoples clothes as well.. and burrow into humans.. *shudder.
I'm about 50% done my research proposal. Painful.
Tomorrow is my sisters 21st ! Happy B-Day Jessi !! Hope it's grand.. I just saw pics of her best friend's new son and omgsh i actually cried a little. So precious! Wish I could be there. anyways off to Namibia soon which is much needed.. though I don't think I can afford to go financially nor time wise...
hope it's fun.. and that i get to go riding.
... maybe I'll travel around the world getting married to the same man in every country .. wouldn't that be cool? lol
i know random.. but i don't really feel like explaining. :)
talk soon!
Hey it’s been a while. Guess I actually got busy for a while. Things are starting to compress... time that is and suddenly I realize that I actually have a lot to do if I consider the fact that I’m supposed to be doing research. Trying to get a proposal done that’s half decent, while fishing and hanging out plus doing ‘work’ is actually quite a lot. Not to mention that daily chores take up about a quarter of your time here.. actually make that half.
Right now for instance it’s Sunday evening and I actually have a few hours with nothing to do. So instead of working on my proposal I decide to sweep and mop the floors, wash the dishes and tidy up my room, finally unpacking those packages I received from back home.
The benefits, I now have a nice clean house, with water jugs filled and no ants :) Also my wall looks pretty with the pictures and drawings I got in my packages finally up. Cons, I am yet another day behind...which makes it about 2 and a half months late now... I wonder if that’s a record?
Things have been going well lately. The puppies are growing up so fast and are finally reaching the stage where I can leave them at home alone for quite a few hours and they won’t eat anything or poop anywhere. We took them up to Tsodilo Hills yesterday, which is a world heritage site that has ancient rock paintings from about 3000 years ago or something. It’s pretty cool, especially the paintings of the penguins and whales, which must have been from San people who traveled to South Africa or Namibia.
pause... a giant beetle just got in my house and it can fly....
Work has been fairly productive and things with my counterpart are bearable. We’ve got some really good activities coming up and we’ve been visiting the settlements a lot more... hence why I am never online or have a cell network :( But it’s good because the CTBCs are making progress and it actually feels like we’re starting to do health education... or at least the monitoring of it.
I found out one of my friends has TB which definitely makes the problem or epidemic much more real. I saw her on a friday and she was ‘sick’ but looked fairly well. We all thought that she had malaria but she wasn’t getting better so she went to a clinic in Maun. I found out the Monday that she wasn’t well at all and that I should go and visit her. No one mentioned what was wrong, just that I should go visit. That immediately made me think it was TB or HIV. When I visited she looked terrible, like someone you would imagine was starving. She was lying on a mattress on the floor and could barely even lift her head she was so weak. This was only after two days on TB medication which was causing side effects such as vomiting and diarrhea. An already thin woman she must have lost another 20 lbs in a few days.
I think that coming from the West we have this perception of TB being like something a little bit worse than a cold virus. Maybe even better because we can treat it. Seeing how it eats away at people though changes the entire persona of the disease. MDR-TB is even worse (multi-drug resistant). If you get this and give it to one of your family members or friends they have a much higher chance of developing XDR-TB for which there is usually very little you can do. As the patient dies they cannot even be with family members since it’s so contagious and are usually isolated on their own.
We have 4 MDR-TB patients in Qangwa, which is one of the San settlements we work in. Patients get MDR -TB either from another person with MDR, which would be considered primary MDR or from poor treatment adherence and/or treatment dosage. In Qangwa a lot of our patients give reasons of poverty for not adhering. They often go into the bush to look for groundnuts, fruit and wild game to supplement what little food (usually sorghum or maize) they have, which is often even just a portion of someone’s government food ration.
The government gives food rations to TB patients who are eligible in order to help them put weight back on and so that their treatment is more effective. TB treatment won’t work as well on a person who is malnourished. The problem is that the rations are only for that patient, and by the time they finish feeding half the village, as is required, there isn’t really enough to help.
The project we’re starting and I’m hoping to research is possibly going to try and address this through giving patients an incentive to finish the program. I’m not really sure why someone would need an incentive besides life itself, but apparently similar programs have been successful in other places. The idea is that if the patient completes treatment (6-8 months) without missing treatment they are qualified to receive a live goat which hopefully they will raise and breed to gain income and prevent malnourishment in the villages.
September 27th
Let me just say that I am so tired. I'm not trying to complain but seriously can't one day go by without something going terribly wrong or just inconveniently. Last night I pulled 15 Putzi fly larvae out of my puppies. Ew. And I thought ticks were bad. Lets just say I cannot wait to get back to Canada. Apparently these fly larvae like to lay their eggs on peoples clothes as well.. and burrow into humans.. *shudder.
I'm about 50% done my research proposal. Painful.
Tomorrow is my sisters 21st ! Happy B-Day Jessi !! Hope it's grand.. I just saw pics of her best friend's new son and omgsh i actually cried a little. So precious! Wish I could be there. anyways off to Namibia soon which is much needed.. though I don't think I can afford to go financially nor time wise...
hope it's fun.. and that i get to go riding.
... maybe I'll travel around the world getting married to the same man in every country .. wouldn't that be cool? lol
i know random.. but i don't really feel like explaining. :)
talk soon!
Friday, 2 September 2011
August....
August 16th Of love and things and eskimo rings...
I know I’m getting bored when I watch The Last Song and can cry....and I’m not even on any pills to blame it on...Either I’m really emotional, really want a boyfriend or just cannot stand any more sadness and frustration to living...
Why is love so difficult anyways? I mean even to love you’re neighbour. It’s exhausting... but it’s possible.. just no one does it. I mean how can someone live with themselves when they say oh I can’t take this dying woman who just gave birth to twins to the hospital since it’s against protocol...and yet it’s so easy to do and we all do it. Scary.
I really hope love is real, real love, sacrificial...the God kind... and that it’s not just in Him but able to be in us. I mean when I look at my puppies and see that they don’t really love me. They know that I will give them food and keep them warm and that it’s more advantageous for them to hang out with me than to wander... although I think Lily may believe otherwise...as she is currently galavanting off who knows where. Anyways I just hope that is not what we as humans do. And I know that it is... sometimes anyways. And that’s what makes me sick. But WHY? I guess if it bothers me than we must be capable of something more. OF real love. Non-conditional. Just because love....That’s what I hope for.
This is why I don’t like chick flicks... because I start thinking about these things and wishing I was Audrey Hepburn and listen to Coldplay and drinking hot cocoa... snap out of it Liz!!! lol... I mean like get a life. I just hope it happens soon.....or maybe ...it already has.
I was going to talk about ‘things’.. being my frustrations at work today but I don’t think I want to ... so lets skip it.
Instead I’ll just mention that I managed to get a flight to Gabs ... yea! and that means I can avoid the 16 hour bus ride :) So happy day.
The Canadians from Northern Youth Abroad left today... we watched Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and had thai curry last night for their last supper. It seems like they had just got here. Will definitely have to go north to visit sometime.. it just sucks that they’re all so far apart. But one, Brandon, is coming to Centennial so I’ll be able to visit him. They gave a presentation on the 14th which was really cool.. I learned so much... which by the way really should be taught in Canadian schools! I mean it is part of Canadian culture.. or at least it should be. They gave out a bunch of information and some souvenirs which was cool. I got a keychain with an Inuksuit on it... which is actually really appropriate since I saw one my first week here at the KFO Assembly at the Game Farm... And my favourite was the flag one of the girls gave me... it’s kind of hard to explain the meaning of it without seeing it but it’s just really cool that a flag can have such a great meaning and inspiration. Definitely a cool group, it was great meeting them.
Anyways I can’t wait to get to Gabs and be distracted by missing everything. I don’t know why.. but seriously I like yearn for the smell of Canadian pine needles roasting in the sun... it’s like I’m craving my typical summer that I was deprived of.... that and horses...every time I see one on the side of the road I tear up a little bit... then again I seem to be doing that a lot... hormones... I think I should just hurry up and get married, get my ranch started and adopt some babies.... and some goats! They are seriously so cute when they’re small.. plus they’ll cut the grass for free :)
August 17th
The words that come to mind right now are too vulgar and simplistic to repeat here... but let’s just say I feel like a kettle with no spout and am about to burst. Seriously I am surprised I haven’t done more damage here than I have... what with my angry outbursts....
Yet again we have another patient, stranded in Shaikarawe, who has had twins in her home, and didn’t take the advice of everyone to go to the clinic before and after, preferably during delivery... Now she has abdominal pain and who knows what else....perhaps she’s even dead... wouldn’t that just be lovely. I could visit and take pictures of her dead body and now orphaned twins... and then send them to the District Health Management Team with a nice note saying. “Don’t be lazy, it kills.” or maybe “You pricks stop being lazy !” Gah. Screw the ‘it’s a developing country’ whatever... the resources are here.. people are just lazy and selfish... ahhh! Music doesn’t even calm my rage right now...I really need to learn to harness this....but I mean if there’s ever a good reason to get angry it’s when people just don’t care! God got angry at that ... he didn’t like the lukewarm, those who turned their backs on others... so at least I can say this is righteous anger?
I was hung up on about 10 times by people who are working in the hospitals and clinics and constantly told , “ ah there’s no transport, ah it’s a problem... um I don’t know those numbers ...” ah!!!
August 25th
I have had quite the blog worthy week. We’ll start last Monday, the 15th. Dinah was in Gaborone at her peace corps training and Gae had left to join her as her counterpart. I went with Tathano to visit the settlements Kaputura, Shaikarawe and Tsodilo and it went really well. We followed up with them about the things they learned at the workshop and went over any problems they may have been facing that month. We also asked them what supplies they may need so we could bring it next time. In Shaikarawe we met with our CTBC and he told us about a woman who had given birth to twins on the weekend and was having abdominal pains and didn’t feel well. We aren’t supposed to give patients rides and had been through this situation before in the same village. We went to the clinics to discuss with someone the urgency with which this woman and her babies should be picked up but no one seemed to pick up on the importance.
That simple little task of driving someone 20 km to a clinic after giving birth seemed to be insurmountable. I spent the entire week on the phone, calling clinics, speaking with the DHMT (district health management team) and trying to find someone at Gumare Hospital who could arrange transport. Just when it seemed completely hopeless a doctor in charge of arranging transport agreed to move the patient. Thursday came around and I was planning to leave the next day to Gaborone, but no word about the patient. According to Shakawe clinic she had not arrived. I’m not able to call cell phones from the office so I couldn’t even reach Reuben to find out how she was.
So I left for Gaborone and had a good weekend....more on that later... and returned Monday to the office. After three phone calls I found out that she had been transported to Gumare Hospital... and that’s as far as I have found out to this date.
What an ordeal....which later comes back to haunt me.
My trip to Gabs was much better this time as I managed to get a flight from Maun... although it still ended up taking about 10 or 11 hours. lol. Werner had come up to Shakawe on Thursday to work at the Barclay’s Bank so I caught a lift with him to Sehithwa which was great and saved me from the bus. From there I decided to hitch to get to Maun. Without thinking I flagged over the first truck that I saw and a beat up white truck pulled over to the side. The driver was headed to Maun so I hopped in along with another man from the bus stop. As soon as we pulled away I laughed inside. This was the oldest truck in the world. The front of the truck shook so hard that it seem separated from the cab. There was no lining in the doors or ceiling, instead it was coated with what looked like yellow stringy mould. The best part was that it seemed the vehicle could not go faster than 60 km/h and I had to go pee. Luckily I have had a lot of experience in holding it and managed to hold it for the three or 4 hours...can’t really remember how long it was now... lol. Anyways the driver was really nice, a fisherman who was originally from Angola and was recruited as a child soldier. He had lived in Bots now for 17 years and said that he would/could not ever go back to Angola but that it was incredibly beautiful and full of fresh fruits and large trees.
Once I got to Maun I got in a crummy cab that shortchanged me and wouldn’t drop me off as far as the turn-off to the airport so I decided to walk. As I still had to pee this was a bad idea...it was a lot further than I thought. Just when I was to the point of considering asking someone to use their latrine I saw the airport and made it to the cafe near-by. Just then I got a phone call from the airline saying the my flight was delayed and wouldn’t leave until 9 pm rather than 7:30 pm. I thanked her for letting me know and decided to get dinner at the cafe. I stuffed my face with a BLT and coffee with some fries and then decided to head to the airport to check-in since I realized that there was a swiss-army knife in my bag.
Typical that I was offered a free meal at the same cafe I was just at...and could only use it that night :( They wouldn’t allow me to get reimbursed for the meal I had before so I decided to get some apple crumble and cider. I sat down at the bar since it was really crowded with those waiting for their flights and waited for the bartender. He didn’t seem to really notice me until the man sitting next to me mentioned that I hadn’t been helped yet. I ordered a drink and thus started the most hilarious night I’ve spent at a bar. This man, who’s name is Tony, was from Portugal originally and had grown up in South Africa and Botswana. He was a water treatment specialist, which of course I found most interesting. His friends... or at least I think they were friends also joined us, an older man in his 80s and one maybe in his 50s, who was very drunk. The older man claims to have started Barclay’s Bank in Botswana and had some really great stories. It was very odd to drink Yagermister shots with three old men lol. Anyways we got to our flight and I sat beside the nicest person and had a great conversation about God, and finding meaning in life, and whether our having good motives really is enough or if you do have to consider the consequences of what you do, even if it seems good. He drove me home in his gorgeous BMW ....definitely a good friend to make. On the way out of the airport Tony asked if I needed a drive to where I was staying and I mentioned that the man I sat beside, Ike, had offered and he lived right near where I was going. Tony pulled me aside and asked me who I trusted, and whether I could trust ‘him’ and then winked conspiratorially.
I looked right back at him and said I’m sure I know what you mean, but I think I’ll go with Ike. Guess that’s what you expect from someone who’s South African. There’s always that little hint of racism. As if I’m crazy for choosing to go with a well educated, intelligent Christian, who happened to be Motswana as opposed to going with a white, still slightly drunk man I met in a bar. Yeaaa.
Anyways I made it to the Big Five, where Dinah was staying for her training and snuck in to sleep there. For a day I was just another PeaceCorps.
We had a good indulgent weekend, went to see a movie, had a delicious lunch at a restaurant and even ordered pizza! I even braved the cold of the pool at Werner’s for about 5 seconds....at least the sun was warm :) We tried to changed the oil and fliter but we didn’t have the tools so I just decided to drive to Shakawe and hope things would be okay. Bright and early Monday morning we headed off to Shakawe. It ended up being a nice drive, about 11 hours long. We picked up two hitchhikers going to Kang, for the first stretch and they were nice enough, even paid us the bus fare. The next two weren’t so great, and told us they didn’t have any money... after we had driven them about 250km! Now much smarter we asked people before the got in if they had money, since we expect at least some contribution. We picked up three guys just outside Ghanzi who happened to be going right near Shakawe. They were about our age and really nice and definitely made the trip much more interesting. I love picking up hitchhikers lol because you get the best stories and make great connections. It also just makes a great picture. The one old man we picked up who said he didn’t have any money was carrying a bright red guitar and a shotgun. In he squished into the little blue fiat with three LeKoa with Flogging Mollys playing on the radio lol. Anyways the drive was good until the road to Shakawe which typically doesn’t have half of the road... and is full of potholes and animals. We made it alive though and without incident... minus a really nice but dumb bird which I killed....
It feels great to have a car, like I really live here lol.... although there’s currently no unleaded fuel available right now.. since the pump is broken yet again. But once it is we’re going to head to Namibia to get my car serviced and go see some waterfalls !
Now I think we’re at about Tuesday... which I think passed by uneventfully. We just went and handed out flyers for the permagardening workshop which is coming up fast and spoke with some people about their interest in coming and contributing. We also dropped in on a friend who just found out they have TB.
Wednesday was definitely much more ‘eventful’. We had a staff meeting that went sour...or exploded. My coordinator really rubs me the wrong way. The meeting was fine until he turned to the health program and some feedback from the directors of Kuru. His tone changed and became very personal and accusing. It was okay, and I actually agreed with much of what he was saying about a lack of communication and other issues.
But I did not agree that we should be separate from TOCaDI or leave Letloa... anyways that is way too big of an issue to explain.
Then one of my co-workers asked a question about Shaikarawe and the patient that I mentioned earlier. He wanted to know why we didn’t take her to the clinic when we had transport and were in the village. He said that she was left until she could not breastfeed...he didn’t know that at this point she was in the hospital in Gumare. So this was all in Setswana and I asked for it to be translated but Galefele didn’t really understand the situation so he talked about it first in Setswana. Then he began to accuse me of how I could do that without even asking what actually happened. So I began to explain and try to speak over him since he’s not letting me speak. Of course this challenges his authority and he tells me to be quite. He goes on saying that what we did what against Kuru policy, which it’s not, and that he would never have done that... Meanwhile his voice and mine are getting louder, basically things escalated and he told me to leave the room. So i said NO. He did not like this and said that he was the coordinator and how could I say no. I told him I was a co-worker and that he could listen to my side of the story. I said that I would stay and finish this discussion like an adult. Well he just sat and stared at me until Dinah interrupted and tried to explain to him our side and view that driving patient’s around would only create a precedent and would not encourage pressure to be put on the government to actually deal with the problems at hand.
Well he wouldn’t listen and the topic moved on. Basically that bridge is burned... but seriously! I don’t care???! Are you kidding.. I spent a week wrangling on the phone for the proper channels to be followed so that these middle level government officials would get off their butts and do their work!
So that situation has stressed me out quite a bit and I woke up not feeling great, with lots of tension in my neck. Couldn’t even keep down my pain killers so I spent my day in bed practically. But the great thing is that everyone in my workplace came by to visit and were incredibly supportive. The staff in D’Kar have told me that it’s not my fault and even if I was acting out of line, he’s the coordinator and should know better than making personal attacks in a staff meeting. I’ve also been told that we did do the right thing with the patient....the thing is that I actually agree a bit with Galefele... If that woman had died it would be my fault. I actually don’t know if she’s okay...or her twins. I mean we were there... we know that the system doesn’t work....Should we have just broken the rules and taken her to the hospital and then spent the time on the phone pressuring and haggling the officials...? Are they even going to care if one woman, especially a San woman that they view is lazy ( as I have been told by the clinic staff ) dies? I don’t want to be clinical and bureaucratic.. and that’s what I was doing....
Yesterday I saw a dog eating the face off of a dead horse. The circle of life?
Sept 2nd
It’s beginning to be fall at home and summer here is just beginning...and man is it finally getting hot! It’s nice.. but not when you have to be in office clothes and sit at your desk in the stagnant heat... but at night and in the morning lets just say it’s lovely.
We’ve had no water for three weeks now, and I’ve grown accustomed to going down to the river, checking the standpipe in the middle of the night to see if it’s working and driving to the pipe in town to fill drinking water buckets. While looking for water that was semi clean at the river I stumbled upon a nice beach... actually I was led to it by some children who told me not to take the water I was gathering... so I did... That’s when I had the brilliant idea to go swimming :)
Morgan and I headed down to the river... yes the Okavango river to bathe and it was awesome! Cold water and soap are a great combination after weeks of terrible bucket baths... only every now and then. Luckily there were lots of children splashing and making noise around us... so no fear of crocodiles... but the next time we went it was freaky since there was no one there! Not even a cow crossing the river... creepy... but at least I was clean :)
Yesterday the power was cut... since TOCaDI again failed to pay their bills.. what sucks about that is that I live at TOCaDI! Bad situation right.. so my entire freezer was chucked.... likely should have thrown out the mayo too.. but I just can’t part with it... it tastes like real mayo and I got it in Maun.. the mayo here is bitter like soya mayo... ick. But luckily that was a problem that was actually solved quickly.
Anyways it’s too hot in here to think so i’m going to finish this later...
I know I’m getting bored when I watch The Last Song and can cry....and I’m not even on any pills to blame it on...Either I’m really emotional, really want a boyfriend or just cannot stand any more sadness and frustration to living...
Why is love so difficult anyways? I mean even to love you’re neighbour. It’s exhausting... but it’s possible.. just no one does it. I mean how can someone live with themselves when they say oh I can’t take this dying woman who just gave birth to twins to the hospital since it’s against protocol...and yet it’s so easy to do and we all do it. Scary.
I really hope love is real, real love, sacrificial...the God kind... and that it’s not just in Him but able to be in us. I mean when I look at my puppies and see that they don’t really love me. They know that I will give them food and keep them warm and that it’s more advantageous for them to hang out with me than to wander... although I think Lily may believe otherwise...as she is currently galavanting off who knows where. Anyways I just hope that is not what we as humans do. And I know that it is... sometimes anyways. And that’s what makes me sick. But WHY? I guess if it bothers me than we must be capable of something more. OF real love. Non-conditional. Just because love....That’s what I hope for.
This is why I don’t like chick flicks... because I start thinking about these things and wishing I was Audrey Hepburn and listen to Coldplay and drinking hot cocoa... snap out of it Liz!!! lol... I mean like get a life. I just hope it happens soon.....or maybe ...it already has.
I was going to talk about ‘things’.. being my frustrations at work today but I don’t think I want to ... so lets skip it.
Instead I’ll just mention that I managed to get a flight to Gabs ... yea! and that means I can avoid the 16 hour bus ride :) So happy day.
The Canadians from Northern Youth Abroad left today... we watched Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and had thai curry last night for their last supper. It seems like they had just got here. Will definitely have to go north to visit sometime.. it just sucks that they’re all so far apart. But one, Brandon, is coming to Centennial so I’ll be able to visit him. They gave a presentation on the 14th which was really cool.. I learned so much... which by the way really should be taught in Canadian schools! I mean it is part of Canadian culture.. or at least it should be. They gave out a bunch of information and some souvenirs which was cool. I got a keychain with an Inuksuit on it... which is actually really appropriate since I saw one my first week here at the KFO Assembly at the Game Farm... And my favourite was the flag one of the girls gave me... it’s kind of hard to explain the meaning of it without seeing it but it’s just really cool that a flag can have such a great meaning and inspiration. Definitely a cool group, it was great meeting them.
Anyways I can’t wait to get to Gabs and be distracted by missing everything. I don’t know why.. but seriously I like yearn for the smell of Canadian pine needles roasting in the sun... it’s like I’m craving my typical summer that I was deprived of.... that and horses...every time I see one on the side of the road I tear up a little bit... then again I seem to be doing that a lot... hormones... I think I should just hurry up and get married, get my ranch started and adopt some babies.... and some goats! They are seriously so cute when they’re small.. plus they’ll cut the grass for free :)
August 17th
The words that come to mind right now are too vulgar and simplistic to repeat here... but let’s just say I feel like a kettle with no spout and am about to burst. Seriously I am surprised I haven’t done more damage here than I have... what with my angry outbursts....
Yet again we have another patient, stranded in Shaikarawe, who has had twins in her home, and didn’t take the advice of everyone to go to the clinic before and after, preferably during delivery... Now she has abdominal pain and who knows what else....perhaps she’s even dead... wouldn’t that just be lovely. I could visit and take pictures of her dead body and now orphaned twins... and then send them to the District Health Management Team with a nice note saying. “Don’t be lazy, it kills.” or maybe “You pricks stop being lazy !” Gah. Screw the ‘it’s a developing country’ whatever... the resources are here.. people are just lazy and selfish... ahhh! Music doesn’t even calm my rage right now...I really need to learn to harness this....but I mean if there’s ever a good reason to get angry it’s when people just don’t care! God got angry at that ... he didn’t like the lukewarm, those who turned their backs on others... so at least I can say this is righteous anger?
I was hung up on about 10 times by people who are working in the hospitals and clinics and constantly told , “ ah there’s no transport, ah it’s a problem... um I don’t know those numbers ...” ah!!!
August 25th
I have had quite the blog worthy week. We’ll start last Monday, the 15th. Dinah was in Gaborone at her peace corps training and Gae had left to join her as her counterpart. I went with Tathano to visit the settlements Kaputura, Shaikarawe and Tsodilo and it went really well. We followed up with them about the things they learned at the workshop and went over any problems they may have been facing that month. We also asked them what supplies they may need so we could bring it next time. In Shaikarawe we met with our CTBC and he told us about a woman who had given birth to twins on the weekend and was having abdominal pains and didn’t feel well. We aren’t supposed to give patients rides and had been through this situation before in the same village. We went to the clinics to discuss with someone the urgency with which this woman and her babies should be picked up but no one seemed to pick up on the importance.
That simple little task of driving someone 20 km to a clinic after giving birth seemed to be insurmountable. I spent the entire week on the phone, calling clinics, speaking with the DHMT (district health management team) and trying to find someone at Gumare Hospital who could arrange transport. Just when it seemed completely hopeless a doctor in charge of arranging transport agreed to move the patient. Thursday came around and I was planning to leave the next day to Gaborone, but no word about the patient. According to Shakawe clinic she had not arrived. I’m not able to call cell phones from the office so I couldn’t even reach Reuben to find out how she was.
So I left for Gaborone and had a good weekend....more on that later... and returned Monday to the office. After three phone calls I found out that she had been transported to Gumare Hospital... and that’s as far as I have found out to this date.
What an ordeal....which later comes back to haunt me.
My trip to Gabs was much better this time as I managed to get a flight from Maun... although it still ended up taking about 10 or 11 hours. lol. Werner had come up to Shakawe on Thursday to work at the Barclay’s Bank so I caught a lift with him to Sehithwa which was great and saved me from the bus. From there I decided to hitch to get to Maun. Without thinking I flagged over the first truck that I saw and a beat up white truck pulled over to the side. The driver was headed to Maun so I hopped in along with another man from the bus stop. As soon as we pulled away I laughed inside. This was the oldest truck in the world. The front of the truck shook so hard that it seem separated from the cab. There was no lining in the doors or ceiling, instead it was coated with what looked like yellow stringy mould. The best part was that it seemed the vehicle could not go faster than 60 km/h and I had to go pee. Luckily I have had a lot of experience in holding it and managed to hold it for the three or 4 hours...can’t really remember how long it was now... lol. Anyways the driver was really nice, a fisherman who was originally from Angola and was recruited as a child soldier. He had lived in Bots now for 17 years and said that he would/could not ever go back to Angola but that it was incredibly beautiful and full of fresh fruits and large trees.
Once I got to Maun I got in a crummy cab that shortchanged me and wouldn’t drop me off as far as the turn-off to the airport so I decided to walk. As I still had to pee this was a bad idea...it was a lot further than I thought. Just when I was to the point of considering asking someone to use their latrine I saw the airport and made it to the cafe near-by. Just then I got a phone call from the airline saying the my flight was delayed and wouldn’t leave until 9 pm rather than 7:30 pm. I thanked her for letting me know and decided to get dinner at the cafe. I stuffed my face with a BLT and coffee with some fries and then decided to head to the airport to check-in since I realized that there was a swiss-army knife in my bag.
Typical that I was offered a free meal at the same cafe I was just at...and could only use it that night :( They wouldn’t allow me to get reimbursed for the meal I had before so I decided to get some apple crumble and cider. I sat down at the bar since it was really crowded with those waiting for their flights and waited for the bartender. He didn’t seem to really notice me until the man sitting next to me mentioned that I hadn’t been helped yet. I ordered a drink and thus started the most hilarious night I’ve spent at a bar. This man, who’s name is Tony, was from Portugal originally and had grown up in South Africa and Botswana. He was a water treatment specialist, which of course I found most interesting. His friends... or at least I think they were friends also joined us, an older man in his 80s and one maybe in his 50s, who was very drunk. The older man claims to have started Barclay’s Bank in Botswana and had some really great stories. It was very odd to drink Yagermister shots with three old men lol. Anyways we got to our flight and I sat beside the nicest person and had a great conversation about God, and finding meaning in life, and whether our having good motives really is enough or if you do have to consider the consequences of what you do, even if it seems good. He drove me home in his gorgeous BMW ....definitely a good friend to make. On the way out of the airport Tony asked if I needed a drive to where I was staying and I mentioned that the man I sat beside, Ike, had offered and he lived right near where I was going. Tony pulled me aside and asked me who I trusted, and whether I could trust ‘him’ and then winked conspiratorially.
I looked right back at him and said I’m sure I know what you mean, but I think I’ll go with Ike. Guess that’s what you expect from someone who’s South African. There’s always that little hint of racism. As if I’m crazy for choosing to go with a well educated, intelligent Christian, who happened to be Motswana as opposed to going with a white, still slightly drunk man I met in a bar. Yeaaa.
Anyways I made it to the Big Five, where Dinah was staying for her training and snuck in to sleep there. For a day I was just another PeaceCorps.
We had a good indulgent weekend, went to see a movie, had a delicious lunch at a restaurant and even ordered pizza! I even braved the cold of the pool at Werner’s for about 5 seconds....at least the sun was warm :) We tried to changed the oil and fliter but we didn’t have the tools so I just decided to drive to Shakawe and hope things would be okay. Bright and early Monday morning we headed off to Shakawe. It ended up being a nice drive, about 11 hours long. We picked up two hitchhikers going to Kang, for the first stretch and they were nice enough, even paid us the bus fare. The next two weren’t so great, and told us they didn’t have any money... after we had driven them about 250km! Now much smarter we asked people before the got in if they had money, since we expect at least some contribution. We picked up three guys just outside Ghanzi who happened to be going right near Shakawe. They were about our age and really nice and definitely made the trip much more interesting. I love picking up hitchhikers lol because you get the best stories and make great connections. It also just makes a great picture. The one old man we picked up who said he didn’t have any money was carrying a bright red guitar and a shotgun. In he squished into the little blue fiat with three LeKoa with Flogging Mollys playing on the radio lol. Anyways the drive was good until the road to Shakawe which typically doesn’t have half of the road... and is full of potholes and animals. We made it alive though and without incident... minus a really nice but dumb bird which I killed....
It feels great to have a car, like I really live here lol.... although there’s currently no unleaded fuel available right now.. since the pump is broken yet again. But once it is we’re going to head to Namibia to get my car serviced and go see some waterfalls !
Now I think we’re at about Tuesday... which I think passed by uneventfully. We just went and handed out flyers for the permagardening workshop which is coming up fast and spoke with some people about their interest in coming and contributing. We also dropped in on a friend who just found out they have TB.
Wednesday was definitely much more ‘eventful’. We had a staff meeting that went sour...or exploded. My coordinator really rubs me the wrong way. The meeting was fine until he turned to the health program and some feedback from the directors of Kuru. His tone changed and became very personal and accusing. It was okay, and I actually agreed with much of what he was saying about a lack of communication and other issues.
But I did not agree that we should be separate from TOCaDI or leave Letloa... anyways that is way too big of an issue to explain.
Then one of my co-workers asked a question about Shaikarawe and the patient that I mentioned earlier. He wanted to know why we didn’t take her to the clinic when we had transport and were in the village. He said that she was left until she could not breastfeed...he didn’t know that at this point she was in the hospital in Gumare. So this was all in Setswana and I asked for it to be translated but Galefele didn’t really understand the situation so he talked about it first in Setswana. Then he began to accuse me of how I could do that without even asking what actually happened. So I began to explain and try to speak over him since he’s not letting me speak. Of course this challenges his authority and he tells me to be quite. He goes on saying that what we did what against Kuru policy, which it’s not, and that he would never have done that... Meanwhile his voice and mine are getting louder, basically things escalated and he told me to leave the room. So i said NO. He did not like this and said that he was the coordinator and how could I say no. I told him I was a co-worker and that he could listen to my side of the story. I said that I would stay and finish this discussion like an adult. Well he just sat and stared at me until Dinah interrupted and tried to explain to him our side and view that driving patient’s around would only create a precedent and would not encourage pressure to be put on the government to actually deal with the problems at hand.
Well he wouldn’t listen and the topic moved on. Basically that bridge is burned... but seriously! I don’t care???! Are you kidding.. I spent a week wrangling on the phone for the proper channels to be followed so that these middle level government officials would get off their butts and do their work!
So that situation has stressed me out quite a bit and I woke up not feeling great, with lots of tension in my neck. Couldn’t even keep down my pain killers so I spent my day in bed practically. But the great thing is that everyone in my workplace came by to visit and were incredibly supportive. The staff in D’Kar have told me that it’s not my fault and even if I was acting out of line, he’s the coordinator and should know better than making personal attacks in a staff meeting. I’ve also been told that we did do the right thing with the patient....the thing is that I actually agree a bit with Galefele... If that woman had died it would be my fault. I actually don’t know if she’s okay...or her twins. I mean we were there... we know that the system doesn’t work....Should we have just broken the rules and taken her to the hospital and then spent the time on the phone pressuring and haggling the officials...? Are they even going to care if one woman, especially a San woman that they view is lazy ( as I have been told by the clinic staff ) dies? I don’t want to be clinical and bureaucratic.. and that’s what I was doing....
Yesterday I saw a dog eating the face off of a dead horse. The circle of life?
Sept 2nd
It’s beginning to be fall at home and summer here is just beginning...and man is it finally getting hot! It’s nice.. but not when you have to be in office clothes and sit at your desk in the stagnant heat... but at night and in the morning lets just say it’s lovely.
We’ve had no water for three weeks now, and I’ve grown accustomed to going down to the river, checking the standpipe in the middle of the night to see if it’s working and driving to the pipe in town to fill drinking water buckets. While looking for water that was semi clean at the river I stumbled upon a nice beach... actually I was led to it by some children who told me not to take the water I was gathering... so I did... That’s when I had the brilliant idea to go swimming :)
Morgan and I headed down to the river... yes the Okavango river to bathe and it was awesome! Cold water and soap are a great combination after weeks of terrible bucket baths... only every now and then. Luckily there were lots of children splashing and making noise around us... so no fear of crocodiles... but the next time we went it was freaky since there was no one there! Not even a cow crossing the river... creepy... but at least I was clean :)
Yesterday the power was cut... since TOCaDI again failed to pay their bills.. what sucks about that is that I live at TOCaDI! Bad situation right.. so my entire freezer was chucked.... likely should have thrown out the mayo too.. but I just can’t part with it... it tastes like real mayo and I got it in Maun.. the mayo here is bitter like soya mayo... ick. But luckily that was a problem that was actually solved quickly.
Anyways it’s too hot in here to think so i’m going to finish this later...
Monday, 15 August 2011
Anomolies, irritants and productivty...
August 13th
Saturday. The best day of the week...or the worst, it depends on your perspective. If you tend to be a productive person who rarely gets bored, as you make your own entertainment and work then Saturdays are very likely busy and not really a ‘break’ from your work week. In fact you likely accomplish more on the Saturday than you do during the week. This is me. Now often this is tiring and I wonder when I will finally get a ‘day off’ so that I can catch up... but other times it’s great because you can accomplish so much!
I know... you’re thinking shouldn’t you also be accomplishing things during the week... well yes. But I’m in development... or actually I’m supposed to be... and right now that means we don’t do or complete much.. not that we do nothing.. just not very much...
Anyways the benefit of this workaholic personality is that at the end of the day I can list off the things I’ve done :) I know most people don’t really care but I like this... maybe that’s why I always liked working on farms, at the end of the day you can always measure what you’ve accomplished.
So I guess my point is that today was very successful... I planted my seedlings, and my first plot in the garden. We have onions, carrots, cucumbers, tomatoes, eggplant, sweet peppers, cayenne, chives and swiss chard. Can’t wait for them to grow ! I hope they do.. since the soil and sun seems different here...
I also washed my blankets, two loads of clothes (this is all by hand), made a bacon & leek quiche and cleaned my house. Maybe this day seemed to have more time than usual since my neighbour decided to wake me up at 7 am on a Sat morning to use my iron. No phone call, no asking... just “Liz! I’m outside.. I’m here to use your iron. Open the door.” Yea ... I just don’t get how people don’t think this is rude? I even managed to shower and go to a BBQ with the Canadian volunteers at Botshelo Trust. This list of things may not seem like a lot ... but let me say that washing by hand... especially with only one bucket is quite the time consuming matter.. although I can do a load in about 20 min now!
Also when you’re gardening it does generally speed things up when you have tools.. today I used a half melted beer bottle to dig and fill pots with soil... and since there was not enough water pressure for the hose I used a bucket and sprinkled water on each seedling.... such love ....
OH! I almost forgot the exciting yet disgusting event of the day... so .. I was drinking my lovely coffee ... my first in three days ! And i got up from watching I Heart Huckabees to go to the washroom... when I came back Lily came running in from outside and jumped up on the couch before I could stop her... aw... so cute. NOT. She had brought me a gift, a fuzzy, still warm and bleeding gift. A dead rat... I have no idea where she got it or if she actually killed it.. but it was disgusting...Thank you for the addition to my breakfast of french toast and pawpaw compote with vanilla syrup. Ick.
I thought I had a lot more to write about but I guess not... oh well maybe i’ll think of it next time :)
August 14th - Domesticted?
I thought I would share some of my recipes that have occupied my time here... since food seems to take up a large amount of my time :)
Quiche Lorraine with an Olive Oil Crust
The Crust
2/3 cup of extra virgin olive oil
2 1/2 cups flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 cup ice water
1 tbsp vinegar
Place olive oil in the freezer until it solidifies to a consistency similar to honey ( you can also whip with ice water until consistency is achieved) Check every 30 min or so.
The Filling
3 large eggs
250ml cream or half and half
4 or 5 strips of bacon, diced
3 large leeks, thinly sliced (or onions)
salt and ground pepper
1 teaspoon thyme
shredded cheddar
When olive oil solidifies place flour, salt and baking powder into a food processor and pulse to mix (or mix by hand). Add remaining ingredients until a dough ball forms. Place in an air tight container or plastic wrap and put in the fridge for an hour to chill.
Roll into 1/8 inch think and put into a pie plate. If it crumbles just place in the pie pan first and form to the pan.
For the filling saute the bacon in butter until crispy, then dice. Add the thyme and leeks (or you can use onions) until they are soft. Scatter the onions or leeks and the bacon on the bottom of the pie crust. Grate the cheddar over the bacon and onions/leeks. Whisk the eggs, cream and salt and pepper then pour into the pie pan.
Grate cheese on top and bake for 40-45 min or until filling is solid and golden brown. If the edges of the crust brown too quickly cover with foil around the outside.
Banana Bread
Ingredients
• 1 cup granulated sugar
• 8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature
• 2 large eggs
• 3 ripe bananas
• 1 tablespoon milk
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon salt
Directions
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F. Butter a 9 x 5 x 3 inch loaf pan.
Cream the sugar and butter in a large mixing bowl until light and fluffy. Add the eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition.
In a small bowl, mash the bananas with a fork. Mix in the milk and cinnamon. In another bowl, mix together the flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt.
Add the banana mixture to the creamed mixture and stir until combined. Add dry ingredients, mixing just until flour disappears.
Pour batter into prepared pan and bake 1 hour to 1 hour 10 minutes, until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Set aside to cool on a rack for 15 minutes. Remove bread from pan, invert onto rack and cool completely before slicing
Spread slices with honey or serve with ice cream
Chocolate Chunk Macadamia Nut Cookies with Cranberries
1 cup butter
1 cup white sugar
1 cup brown sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
3 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
2 tsp hot water
1/2 tsp salt
2 cups broken chocolate bar
1/2 cup chopped macadamia nuts
1/2 cup dried cranberries
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
Cream together the butter, white sugar, and brown sugar until smooth. Beat in the eggs one at a time, then stir in the vanilla. Dissolve baking soda in hot water. Add to batter along with salt. Stir in flour, chocolate chips, and nuts. Drop by large spoonfuls onto ungreased pans.
Bake for about 10 minutes in the preheated oven, or until edges are nicely browned.
Summer Breeze
Double shot of vodka
half orange juice
half peace juice
1 ice cube
squirt of lemon (leave in the drink)
Kind of Greek Salad
cucumber
tomatoe
feta
onion
green pepper
shredded carrots
olive oil
salt & pepper
cayenne
raisins (if you like them)
lemon
Mix all together, chop the veggies how you'd like, sprinkle some oil and lemon juice, add some salt & cayenne and feta then eat :)
...all in all I feel like I’ve become rather domesticated... speaking of domesticated my Uncle Glen got married yesterday.. wish I could have been there ! All the best!
My next venture will be to try and recreate this bread I had at a presentation by some researchers from South Africa.. it was seriously the most amazing bread! They said they used beer rather than yeast... so as soon as I get some I’m going to try it :)
Speaking of food... as I sit here and write the puppies stare at me with baneful expressions... hoping that I will take pity on them and throw them some of my sandwich...not this time pups.
Saturday. The best day of the week...or the worst, it depends on your perspective. If you tend to be a productive person who rarely gets bored, as you make your own entertainment and work then Saturdays are very likely busy and not really a ‘break’ from your work week. In fact you likely accomplish more on the Saturday than you do during the week. This is me. Now often this is tiring and I wonder when I will finally get a ‘day off’ so that I can catch up... but other times it’s great because you can accomplish so much!
I know... you’re thinking shouldn’t you also be accomplishing things during the week... well yes. But I’m in development... or actually I’m supposed to be... and right now that means we don’t do or complete much.. not that we do nothing.. just not very much...
Anyways the benefit of this workaholic personality is that at the end of the day I can list off the things I’ve done :) I know most people don’t really care but I like this... maybe that’s why I always liked working on farms, at the end of the day you can always measure what you’ve accomplished.
So I guess my point is that today was very successful... I planted my seedlings, and my first plot in the garden. We have onions, carrots, cucumbers, tomatoes, eggplant, sweet peppers, cayenne, chives and swiss chard. Can’t wait for them to grow ! I hope they do.. since the soil and sun seems different here...
I also washed my blankets, two loads of clothes (this is all by hand), made a bacon & leek quiche and cleaned my house. Maybe this day seemed to have more time than usual since my neighbour decided to wake me up at 7 am on a Sat morning to use my iron. No phone call, no asking... just “Liz! I’m outside.. I’m here to use your iron. Open the door.” Yea ... I just don’t get how people don’t think this is rude? I even managed to shower and go to a BBQ with the Canadian volunteers at Botshelo Trust. This list of things may not seem like a lot ... but let me say that washing by hand... especially with only one bucket is quite the time consuming matter.. although I can do a load in about 20 min now!
Also when you’re gardening it does generally speed things up when you have tools.. today I used a half melted beer bottle to dig and fill pots with soil... and since there was not enough water pressure for the hose I used a bucket and sprinkled water on each seedling.... such love ....
OH! I almost forgot the exciting yet disgusting event of the day... so .. I was drinking my lovely coffee ... my first in three days ! And i got up from watching I Heart Huckabees to go to the washroom... when I came back Lily came running in from outside and jumped up on the couch before I could stop her... aw... so cute. NOT. She had brought me a gift, a fuzzy, still warm and bleeding gift. A dead rat... I have no idea where she got it or if she actually killed it.. but it was disgusting...Thank you for the addition to my breakfast of french toast and pawpaw compote with vanilla syrup. Ick.
I thought I had a lot more to write about but I guess not... oh well maybe i’ll think of it next time :)
August 14th - Domesticted?
I thought I would share some of my recipes that have occupied my time here... since food seems to take up a large amount of my time :)
Quiche Lorraine with an Olive Oil Crust
The Crust
2/3 cup of extra virgin olive oil
2 1/2 cups flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 cup ice water
1 tbsp vinegar
Place olive oil in the freezer until it solidifies to a consistency similar to honey ( you can also whip with ice water until consistency is achieved) Check every 30 min or so.
The Filling
3 large eggs
250ml cream or half and half
4 or 5 strips of bacon, diced
3 large leeks, thinly sliced (or onions)
salt and ground pepper
1 teaspoon thyme
shredded cheddar
When olive oil solidifies place flour, salt and baking powder into a food processor and pulse to mix (or mix by hand). Add remaining ingredients until a dough ball forms. Place in an air tight container or plastic wrap and put in the fridge for an hour to chill.
Roll into 1/8 inch think and put into a pie plate. If it crumbles just place in the pie pan first and form to the pan.
For the filling saute the bacon in butter until crispy, then dice. Add the thyme and leeks (or you can use onions) until they are soft. Scatter the onions or leeks and the bacon on the bottom of the pie crust. Grate the cheddar over the bacon and onions/leeks. Whisk the eggs, cream and salt and pepper then pour into the pie pan.
Grate cheese on top and bake for 40-45 min or until filling is solid and golden brown. If the edges of the crust brown too quickly cover with foil around the outside.
Banana Bread
Ingredients
• 1 cup granulated sugar
• 8 tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature
• 2 large eggs
• 3 ripe bananas
• 1 tablespoon milk
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon salt
Directions
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F. Butter a 9 x 5 x 3 inch loaf pan.
Cream the sugar and butter in a large mixing bowl until light and fluffy. Add the eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition.
In a small bowl, mash the bananas with a fork. Mix in the milk and cinnamon. In another bowl, mix together the flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt.
Add the banana mixture to the creamed mixture and stir until combined. Add dry ingredients, mixing just until flour disappears.
Pour batter into prepared pan and bake 1 hour to 1 hour 10 minutes, until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Set aside to cool on a rack for 15 minutes. Remove bread from pan, invert onto rack and cool completely before slicing
Spread slices with honey or serve with ice cream
Chocolate Chunk Macadamia Nut Cookies with Cranberries
1 cup butter
1 cup white sugar
1 cup brown sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
3 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
2 tsp hot water
1/2 tsp salt
2 cups broken chocolate bar
1/2 cup chopped macadamia nuts
1/2 cup dried cranberries
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
Cream together the butter, white sugar, and brown sugar until smooth. Beat in the eggs one at a time, then stir in the vanilla. Dissolve baking soda in hot water. Add to batter along with salt. Stir in flour, chocolate chips, and nuts. Drop by large spoonfuls onto ungreased pans.
Bake for about 10 minutes in the preheated oven, or until edges are nicely browned.
Summer Breeze
Double shot of vodka
half orange juice
half peace juice
1 ice cube
squirt of lemon (leave in the drink)
Kind of Greek Salad
cucumber
tomatoe
feta
onion
green pepper
shredded carrots
olive oil
salt & pepper
cayenne
raisins (if you like them)
lemon
Mix all together, chop the veggies how you'd like, sprinkle some oil and lemon juice, add some salt & cayenne and feta then eat :)
...all in all I feel like I’ve become rather domesticated... speaking of domesticated my Uncle Glen got married yesterday.. wish I could have been there ! All the best!
My next venture will be to try and recreate this bread I had at a presentation by some researchers from South Africa.. it was seriously the most amazing bread! They said they used beer rather than yeast... so as soon as I get some I’m going to try it :)
Speaking of food... as I sit here and write the puppies stare at me with baneful expressions... hoping that I will take pity on them and throw them some of my sandwich...not this time pups.
Friday, 12 August 2011
Nostalgia
While I was hanging out endlessly waiting for the whole car thing to fall together I stopped by a little shop run by a Chinese man and his son to get some samosas and tea. I was struck by the strangest nostalgia when the old man asked if I wanted sugar in my tea. It was like we both knew that we’re outsiders, we’re different and because of that there was an instant connection between us. Strange but it kind of makes sense… I mean I really do miss the ethnic diversity and availability of food in Toronto.
The fact that you can go out for Japanese for dinner and get Italian gelato for dessert is awesome! While I was in Gabs I was definitely spoiled by the lettuce and strawberries… yes strawberries… they even came with chocolate sauce! This also made me nostalgic for berry picking in the nice Ontario summers.
We went to see the very last Harry Potter as well…. If I’m honest it was pretty much the reason I went to Gabs…yes I traveled over 1000km to see it, but it’s the last one!!! I can’t believe there’s no more... unless they make one about their kids lol. It’s kind of like the end of an era. Anyways Gabs was fun.. the 16 hour bus ride not so much.. so I’m trying to find a cheap flight there for when I have to pick up my car,… don’t really think that will work out. I can’t really justify taking a flight when it’s 10 times more than the bus. I guess that just means I’ll have to take another day off work.
I’m going to start leaving my dogs inside now…kind of like crate training I guess…it makes me feel like the evil stepmother on Cinderella but I have to get them used to being locked inside if they’re going to live in Canada…and fly on a two day journey in a plane! If only I already had my beautiful ranch in Canada…and they could run free and keep my horses safe.
So Dinah’s in Gabs for the rest of this and next week and my counterpart is joining her for the last bit of training. Which leaves me in the office alone, with nothing to do unless the broken computers arrive all fixed soon. Since I locked my stuff in Dinah’s house and she is a typical American, having locked her door with a special key blocker…I cannot get in even with the key.
Anyways things at work are slow again, but I guess that’s good as I should get started on my non-existent research... and I’m what …4 months in? I’m still waiting for that friend I was asking for…
Oh and I almost forgot … I finally told someone NO to giving them my phone number .. I actually think that’s the first time I’ve ever done that. He was actually begging me and I’m like umm… No I don’t think so. I don’t like to talk on the phone. Here’s where I work .. .if you’d really like to talk then come by when I’m working. Bam. I’ve finally done it ! I was quite proud of myself.lol.
I'm definitely in the four month stage when you really miss home.. and pizza.. and my dog.. and pool .. and grass...I think I may just decide to stay in Canada for good.. or at least like a fully year or two! If only I won the lottery and could buy my ranch... anyone want to donate one to me ... it's for a good cause :) and lol that good cause is not for me ....it's for the children!
Anyways I'm blabbering from boredom now.. guess I'll go and read a book... at my desk...so it looks like I'm working ..? lol MISS EVERYONE!!!
The fact that you can go out for Japanese for dinner and get Italian gelato for dessert is awesome! While I was in Gabs I was definitely spoiled by the lettuce and strawberries… yes strawberries… they even came with chocolate sauce! This also made me nostalgic for berry picking in the nice Ontario summers.
We went to see the very last Harry Potter as well…. If I’m honest it was pretty much the reason I went to Gabs…yes I traveled over 1000km to see it, but it’s the last one!!! I can’t believe there’s no more... unless they make one about their kids lol. It’s kind of like the end of an era. Anyways Gabs was fun.. the 16 hour bus ride not so much.. so I’m trying to find a cheap flight there for when I have to pick up my car,… don’t really think that will work out. I can’t really justify taking a flight when it’s 10 times more than the bus. I guess that just means I’ll have to take another day off work.
I’m going to start leaving my dogs inside now…kind of like crate training I guess…it makes me feel like the evil stepmother on Cinderella but I have to get them used to being locked inside if they’re going to live in Canada…and fly on a two day journey in a plane! If only I already had my beautiful ranch in Canada…and they could run free and keep my horses safe.
So Dinah’s in Gabs for the rest of this and next week and my counterpart is joining her for the last bit of training. Which leaves me in the office alone, with nothing to do unless the broken computers arrive all fixed soon. Since I locked my stuff in Dinah’s house and she is a typical American, having locked her door with a special key blocker…I cannot get in even with the key.
Anyways things at work are slow again, but I guess that’s good as I should get started on my non-existent research... and I’m what …4 months in? I’m still waiting for that friend I was asking for…
Oh and I almost forgot … I finally told someone NO to giving them my phone number .. I actually think that’s the first time I’ve ever done that. He was actually begging me and I’m like umm… No I don’t think so. I don’t like to talk on the phone. Here’s where I work .. .if you’d really like to talk then come by when I’m working. Bam. I’ve finally done it ! I was quite proud of myself.lol.
I'm definitely in the four month stage when you really miss home.. and pizza.. and my dog.. and pool .. and grass...I think I may just decide to stay in Canada for good.. or at least like a fully year or two! If only I won the lottery and could buy my ranch... anyone want to donate one to me ... it's for a good cause :) and lol that good cause is not for me ....it's for the children!
Anyways I'm blabbering from boredom now.. guess I'll go and read a book... at my desk...so it looks like I'm working ..? lol MISS EVERYONE!!!
Sunday, 31 July 2011
what's the point of a title?
July 29th
Reporting
Here we go again, into the land of numbers and accuracy and endless repetition. I really do understand the importance of accurate reporting but man does it make you want to pull all your hair out and jump on your bed singing songs at the top of your lungs. We’re well on our way into planning our next workshop. This one will focus on training our community TB care promoters in the settlements, although recently we found out that additional CTBCs and health education assistants will be joining us. Botswana has rolled out a new National Treatment Guidelines for TB and HIV and CTBC Guidelines as well as begun a whole new focus which highlights the importance of acknowledging the relationship between HIV and TB.
Thus we need to bring all of the CTBCs up to speed. This will also be a chance to see if they really understand what they’re teaching community members and if they are creative in their explanations in case people don’t understand. Since we’ve also been having reporting issues with them we’ll also go through a refresher session to clarify what we want and go over any issues or confusion they may have on reporting. This is the session I am responsible for facilitating. Hopefully afterwards they don’t think I’m the most boring person in the world....
My PCV roomie got her furniture so she’s moving out tomorrow it looks like. She’s also headed to Gabarone for a few weeks so I will be in the office with Gae alone.. eek. Hopefully she doesn’t decide to eat me. No it shouldn’t be to bad as long as I don’t really say anything. I’m supposed to go to Gabs with Dinah to visit friends and watch Harry Potter but I can’t find anyone to watch the puppies that I trust so I may actually back out.
The good news is though that I just found out I have 20 leave days... though I don’t know if weekends count within that..... Since Christmas vacation at work is like two weeks, with my 20 days it looks like I’ll be able to come home early! Maybe even the last week of November... that is if I actually get any research done. I guess I would be okay at this point with dropping the whole research thing and just doing an independent project when I get back. Especially considering I’ll have an extra year basically before everyone else gets back from placement. I’m hoping that I can get credits for studying French in Alliance Francais and then I can go from January to May, come back in the summer and do some credits or just work on my thesis and then enroll in courses for Sept - Jan and then graduate! I could likely even just work while I write my thesis since I believe I only need 2 credits and could do those spread out over three semesters. Then I could maybe get rid of my debt before I even finish school. It all seems so close and yet so far away... needless to say I can’t wait.
What with everyone getting married and having babies I feel a little bit left behind in everything. It seems a little like I’m still in this ‘find myself’ stage, wandering the world aimlessly. Maybe my inner child really is a 6 year old girl...?Well God did say to have faith like a child... now that I definitely have to work on. I may be young at heart with and old soul .. but my faith is bitter and crusty I think. What’s with that?
July 30th
Today was a pretty great day. First it was Saturday.. which makes it awesome already. Then we had a huge breakfast, an American breakfast :) I even ate bacon. Yes the real stuff. From the pig! It was amazing, slightly burnt and perfectly crispy. We had eggs and pancakes with yogurt and cheese. We even had real coffee and orange juice. Delicious !~So I guess I’ve definitely gone to where no vegetarian should ever go... I think bacon was the last meat I gave up.. and now it’s the last one I’ve re-eaten for the first time.. I have officially tried every meat and can no longer call myself vegetarian. lol I guess that applied for a while anyways before this...
Second my dogs didn’t have any accidents today :) Yay! Don’t really need to expand on that.
Third, my muscles are sore !! No I’m not a masochist, I have just been sitting in an office day in and out and finally went for a run .. and it looks like it’s actually doing something! I also spent the day doing my washing, helping Dinah move her stuff, scrubbing pots and shopping.. so that added to the beautiful soreness.
So shopping... we went to visit the market again, saw Willemien and Morgan’s neighbours who have invited us to a few braai’s. They are so friendly and sweet... actually most people are. It seems like mostly all the expat couples are pictures of what I would imagine myself to be like if I married someone and moved to Botswana. They all seem to love organic products, have their own amazing earth friendly gardens and can make pretty much anything! I guess those are skills that are required for someone living in a developing country :)
I bought some of Marina’s Chunky Paw-paw and Raisin Compote in vanilla syrup.. it’s amazing! And a miracle happened. The other day I found pita’s at Choppies... honestly sometimes I wonder at the stuff I find there... but of course there’s no hummus and we had run into the fact that you can’t make it here before... there’s no tahini in this country. I was also pondering trying to make croissants ... a difficult feat apparently. So we get to the market .. and Marina says we have croissants! And as I sample some jam I see that she has also made hummus,.. organically grown and homemade. Seriously they are awesome!
So that made my day. Now I just have to figure out how to make falafel and I can make one :)
We headed back after some more shopping and I cleaned and helped Dinah move. It’s so empty here now without here. And quiet ! We had one last dinner together ( j/k we’ll likely still eat together often.. especially dinner ) ... and of course it was vegetable curry ... Guess who made it ? Me ! I know how :)
It’s incredible how many things I’ve learned to make here... .guacamole, curry, baguettes, cinnamon rolls, sorghum porridge, ugali/papa, steak!!, and ceviche (its all in the lemons).
Oh yea and when we went to Choppies there was vegetables! And gorgeous huge lemons .... and bananas. Seriously it’s pretty sad that I go to the grocery store or stare at a river for entertainment here. But then again I guess I would go to the grocery store for entertainment in Canada. It’s a great place to go. Peaceful and full of food... you can dream about ideas, what to cook and create. I guess I kind of see it as the same as walking into an art supply store.
Oh did I mention that my puppies killed a bat? At least I think they did.. either way they certainly chewed it and played with it once it was dead and had lost it’s head... lol. I guess I should say ew.
So Monday is the first day of our workshop to train the CTBCs, which will last three days. I hope it goes well. There are a lot of issues with reporting we’re dealing with that make it kind of pointless to record any data. Hopefully it will be fun and inspiring as well.. I think we’re going to get them to do some team building camp games which should be fun and amusing .. I’ll have to try and post some pics :)
Reporting
Here we go again, into the land of numbers and accuracy and endless repetition. I really do understand the importance of accurate reporting but man does it make you want to pull all your hair out and jump on your bed singing songs at the top of your lungs. We’re well on our way into planning our next workshop. This one will focus on training our community TB care promoters in the settlements, although recently we found out that additional CTBCs and health education assistants will be joining us. Botswana has rolled out a new National Treatment Guidelines for TB and HIV and CTBC Guidelines as well as begun a whole new focus which highlights the importance of acknowledging the relationship between HIV and TB.
Thus we need to bring all of the CTBCs up to speed. This will also be a chance to see if they really understand what they’re teaching community members and if they are creative in their explanations in case people don’t understand. Since we’ve also been having reporting issues with them we’ll also go through a refresher session to clarify what we want and go over any issues or confusion they may have on reporting. This is the session I am responsible for facilitating. Hopefully afterwards they don’t think I’m the most boring person in the world....
My PCV roomie got her furniture so she’s moving out tomorrow it looks like. She’s also headed to Gabarone for a few weeks so I will be in the office with Gae alone.. eek. Hopefully she doesn’t decide to eat me. No it shouldn’t be to bad as long as I don’t really say anything. I’m supposed to go to Gabs with Dinah to visit friends and watch Harry Potter but I can’t find anyone to watch the puppies that I trust so I may actually back out.
The good news is though that I just found out I have 20 leave days... though I don’t know if weekends count within that..... Since Christmas vacation at work is like two weeks, with my 20 days it looks like I’ll be able to come home early! Maybe even the last week of November... that is if I actually get any research done. I guess I would be okay at this point with dropping the whole research thing and just doing an independent project when I get back. Especially considering I’ll have an extra year basically before everyone else gets back from placement. I’m hoping that I can get credits for studying French in Alliance Francais and then I can go from January to May, come back in the summer and do some credits or just work on my thesis and then enroll in courses for Sept - Jan and then graduate! I could likely even just work while I write my thesis since I believe I only need 2 credits and could do those spread out over three semesters. Then I could maybe get rid of my debt before I even finish school. It all seems so close and yet so far away... needless to say I can’t wait.
What with everyone getting married and having babies I feel a little bit left behind in everything. It seems a little like I’m still in this ‘find myself’ stage, wandering the world aimlessly. Maybe my inner child really is a 6 year old girl...?Well God did say to have faith like a child... now that I definitely have to work on. I may be young at heart with and old soul .. but my faith is bitter and crusty I think. What’s with that?
July 30th
Today was a pretty great day. First it was Saturday.. which makes it awesome already. Then we had a huge breakfast, an American breakfast :) I even ate bacon. Yes the real stuff. From the pig! It was amazing, slightly burnt and perfectly crispy. We had eggs and pancakes with yogurt and cheese. We even had real coffee and orange juice. Delicious !~So I guess I’ve definitely gone to where no vegetarian should ever go... I think bacon was the last meat I gave up.. and now it’s the last one I’ve re-eaten for the first time.. I have officially tried every meat and can no longer call myself vegetarian. lol I guess that applied for a while anyways before this...
Second my dogs didn’t have any accidents today :) Yay! Don’t really need to expand on that.
Third, my muscles are sore !! No I’m not a masochist, I have just been sitting in an office day in and out and finally went for a run .. and it looks like it’s actually doing something! I also spent the day doing my washing, helping Dinah move her stuff, scrubbing pots and shopping.. so that added to the beautiful soreness.
So shopping... we went to visit the market again, saw Willemien and Morgan’s neighbours who have invited us to a few braai’s. They are so friendly and sweet... actually most people are. It seems like mostly all the expat couples are pictures of what I would imagine myself to be like if I married someone and moved to Botswana. They all seem to love organic products, have their own amazing earth friendly gardens and can make pretty much anything! I guess those are skills that are required for someone living in a developing country :)
I bought some of Marina’s Chunky Paw-paw and Raisin Compote in vanilla syrup.. it’s amazing! And a miracle happened. The other day I found pita’s at Choppies... honestly sometimes I wonder at the stuff I find there... but of course there’s no hummus and we had run into the fact that you can’t make it here before... there’s no tahini in this country. I was also pondering trying to make croissants ... a difficult feat apparently. So we get to the market .. and Marina says we have croissants! And as I sample some jam I see that she has also made hummus,.. organically grown and homemade. Seriously they are awesome!
So that made my day. Now I just have to figure out how to make falafel and I can make one :)
We headed back after some more shopping and I cleaned and helped Dinah move. It’s so empty here now without here. And quiet ! We had one last dinner together ( j/k we’ll likely still eat together often.. especially dinner ) ... and of course it was vegetable curry ... Guess who made it ? Me ! I know how :)
It’s incredible how many things I’ve learned to make here... .guacamole, curry, baguettes, cinnamon rolls, sorghum porridge, ugali/papa, steak!!, and ceviche (its all in the lemons).
Oh yea and when we went to Choppies there was vegetables! And gorgeous huge lemons .... and bananas. Seriously it’s pretty sad that I go to the grocery store or stare at a river for entertainment here. But then again I guess I would go to the grocery store for entertainment in Canada. It’s a great place to go. Peaceful and full of food... you can dream about ideas, what to cook and create. I guess I kind of see it as the same as walking into an art supply store.
Oh did I mention that my puppies killed a bat? At least I think they did.. either way they certainly chewed it and played with it once it was dead and had lost it’s head... lol. I guess I should say ew.
So Monday is the first day of our workshop to train the CTBCs, which will last three days. I hope it goes well. There are a lot of issues with reporting we’re dealing with that make it kind of pointless to record any data. Hopefully it will be fun and inspiring as well.. I think we’re going to get them to do some team building camp games which should be fun and amusing .. I’ll have to try and post some pics :)
Thursday, 28 July 2011
oh so ....ah.
July 25th
(sung to Mandy Moore - Behind These Hazel Eyes)
Here I am, once again, sitting doing nothing. At my desk, in my chair, staring at my screen. Computer’s broke, boss is gone, and goats are eating everything again, within TOCaDI walls......
Yes. That is all true. But I got a free lunch today. So that is pretty good. And our French man came to visit which always brightens my day. Things are typically frustrating as usual here. We had planned to visit a potential TB patient in Shaikarawe to get her and her kids tested, but we were strongly encouraged to follow the ‘correct’ channels and to not use our vehicle as transport because of the precedent it would set. So through the channels we went... and ended up the creek with no where left to go. We called the hospital and the District TB Coordinator to find out about why the mobile clinic doesn’t have a vehicle... which is you know kind of essential for mobility. They said that it was not possible to provide a vehicle for them. The clinic I am referring to is in Mohembo and takes care of the settlement of Shaikarawe, which is about an hours walk away, but has only one nurse, no other staff and no vehicle since it was taken for repair 8 months ago and never returned.
So today instead of helping a patient get tested and finding treatment we sat in the office and muddled through the annoying bureaucracy of development. Why oh why do I have to capacitate people... it’s so much more difficult than just doing it yourself..and that is why I could not be a teacher or even in development. I would like to believe that I would be much more satisfied as a doctor that could just go and fix the patient.. but I have a feeling that I would still be limited by the bureaucracy and politics around me...and if I worked here I would be the one that couldn’t get anywhere to see patients and/or have no drugs or supplies to work with.
8 hours later... and work is almost done so I guess we just go home and pretend there’s not a mother of three children dying slowly alone because there’s a principle to be enforced. Even our ‘kind of’ boss at the office in D’Kar told us that under no circumstance can we take the vehicle to transport the nurse or the patient, even if she dies. Is this right? Do you aim for the sustainable solution and let people die on the way for the sake of the many others in the future who will benefit? Or do you act in compassion and where you are able, with the tools and resources you have been given?
July 24th.
Sound of music is stuck in my head and I just realized how much I like green tea. This is rather a random statement I know but that’s what I feel like today. Random. I’ve decided I should stop drinking coffee which means for now one every other day until I can bring myself to cut it down further. The patient got tested which was a huge success since the nurse managed to coordinate transport on his own. It’s insane when the ‘higher up’ people, like the District TB Coordinator do not actually do their jobs. I don’t know whether it’s avoiding the issue so that they don’t have to work or if it’s a lack of initiative because of the social norms they were raised with. I mean I understand laziness... I am also very lazy, but when it comes to someone’s life? or to my own career?? come on! I guess when you live in a country where getting fired doesn’t happen not working would be very common.... Yay for President Seretse Khama then... good job for firing those people. You have my respect.
p.s I would love to listen to Oh Land right now.
July 27th - Never Wonder
Wow I missed a day and I seriously don’t know where it went....was yesterday really the 26th? Did I think it was the 25th? I swear I have early onset Alzheimer’s. I was thinking about how it is here and how much I don’t fit. Have you ever been with three people for five days traveling and having campfires and never once had a reply to one of your questions without it becoming a confrontation? I have. Here it’s almost a sin to wonder. To ask Why? To think I wonder how those hills were formed, what trees those are, how long something will take...Here the rule is just don’t ask. You will find out. In fact it goes even further. If you do wonder if something could improve your situation or work more effectively don’t bother trying it. Just keep doing it the way you always have, even if it means a loss....I DON’T GET IT!
Lately my counterpart has accused me of not wanting to be here, of not doing anything. Which is half true....and yet she is standing outside in the garden right now, with all the other women...as they have been since 8 am... (it is now 10:30)... doing nothing! So who is really the one who doesn’t want to be here ??
It seems like the majority of my life here has consisted of washing clothes, taking care of puppies, sleeping and writing in this blog...Where is the development in that??? I’m actually thinking that going AWOL and heading to help out on a PIH project in Rwanda would be much more useful... Maybe I should write my thesis on the ineffectiveness of international development. Maybe more WOULD come out of an organization like TOCaDI disintegrating and letting the people pick up the pieces?
The room-mate situation is also disintegrating .. speaking of that ...I am sure she is getting tired of me.. and especially the little ones. She hates the puppies most of the time, guess she isn’t a dog person after all. So anyways PeaceCorps doesn’t allow her to live with any room-mates and yet she defied them and stayed with me. Initially. Now all of a sudden PeaceCorps knows about it, and they have put their foot down. Really it’s that she wants her privacy, and quiet and routine and I and my puppies disrupt that. Which is fine, but why not just say that? Why not just say I would rather have my own place? I know it’s exhausting to adjust to living with someone new and a new routine.. but it shouldn’t be embarrassing or shameful to admit that..So she’s moving out, to the small little room she initially had moved into... and in which she will wait in eager anticipation for me to leave. Then she will get her large house, with no puppies, can use my room to work out in and will have the kitchen to herself. I’m totally okay with that, I’m actually anticipating her move so that I can actually play my guitar again, and not have to lock my door all the time!! She’s just as bad as Matt lol.
I keep having the oddest nostalgic moments these days. Just a few moments ago I had a memory of sitting in Calla, Sameen and Crystal’s apartment working on our essays/assignments. The stress of school, with the assurance of good friends and the smell of yummy tea heating on the stove.
July 28th.
I am tempted to say I hate this place. My puppies have finally ventured out into the field.... out of the compound. It’s only a matter of time before they merge into crazy wolf dogs. I wonder if I can just tie them up? Then as soon as I let them off they will run away. I can’t believe they just walked away from me. I just want to go home. I’m tired of work and drama and arguing and this silliness.
(sung to Mandy Moore - Behind These Hazel Eyes)
Here I am, once again, sitting doing nothing. At my desk, in my chair, staring at my screen. Computer’s broke, boss is gone, and goats are eating everything again, within TOCaDI walls......
Yes. That is all true. But I got a free lunch today. So that is pretty good. And our French man came to visit which always brightens my day. Things are typically frustrating as usual here. We had planned to visit a potential TB patient in Shaikarawe to get her and her kids tested, but we were strongly encouraged to follow the ‘correct’ channels and to not use our vehicle as transport because of the precedent it would set. So through the channels we went... and ended up the creek with no where left to go. We called the hospital and the District TB Coordinator to find out about why the mobile clinic doesn’t have a vehicle... which is you know kind of essential for mobility. They said that it was not possible to provide a vehicle for them. The clinic I am referring to is in Mohembo and takes care of the settlement of Shaikarawe, which is about an hours walk away, but has only one nurse, no other staff and no vehicle since it was taken for repair 8 months ago and never returned.
So today instead of helping a patient get tested and finding treatment we sat in the office and muddled through the annoying bureaucracy of development. Why oh why do I have to capacitate people... it’s so much more difficult than just doing it yourself..and that is why I could not be a teacher or even in development. I would like to believe that I would be much more satisfied as a doctor that could just go and fix the patient.. but I have a feeling that I would still be limited by the bureaucracy and politics around me...and if I worked here I would be the one that couldn’t get anywhere to see patients and/or have no drugs or supplies to work with.
8 hours later... and work is almost done so I guess we just go home and pretend there’s not a mother of three children dying slowly alone because there’s a principle to be enforced. Even our ‘kind of’ boss at the office in D’Kar told us that under no circumstance can we take the vehicle to transport the nurse or the patient, even if she dies. Is this right? Do you aim for the sustainable solution and let people die on the way for the sake of the many others in the future who will benefit? Or do you act in compassion and where you are able, with the tools and resources you have been given?
July 24th.
Sound of music is stuck in my head and I just realized how much I like green tea. This is rather a random statement I know but that’s what I feel like today. Random. I’ve decided I should stop drinking coffee which means for now one every other day until I can bring myself to cut it down further. The patient got tested which was a huge success since the nurse managed to coordinate transport on his own. It’s insane when the ‘higher up’ people, like the District TB Coordinator do not actually do their jobs. I don’t know whether it’s avoiding the issue so that they don’t have to work or if it’s a lack of initiative because of the social norms they were raised with. I mean I understand laziness... I am also very lazy, but when it comes to someone’s life? or to my own career?? come on! I guess when you live in a country where getting fired doesn’t happen not working would be very common.... Yay for President Seretse Khama then... good job for firing those people. You have my respect.
p.s I would love to listen to Oh Land right now.
July 27th - Never Wonder
Wow I missed a day and I seriously don’t know where it went....was yesterday really the 26th? Did I think it was the 25th? I swear I have early onset Alzheimer’s. I was thinking about how it is here and how much I don’t fit. Have you ever been with three people for five days traveling and having campfires and never once had a reply to one of your questions without it becoming a confrontation? I have. Here it’s almost a sin to wonder. To ask Why? To think I wonder how those hills were formed, what trees those are, how long something will take...Here the rule is just don’t ask. You will find out. In fact it goes even further. If you do wonder if something could improve your situation or work more effectively don’t bother trying it. Just keep doing it the way you always have, even if it means a loss....I DON’T GET IT!
Lately my counterpart has accused me of not wanting to be here, of not doing anything. Which is half true....and yet she is standing outside in the garden right now, with all the other women...as they have been since 8 am... (it is now 10:30)... doing nothing! So who is really the one who doesn’t want to be here ??
It seems like the majority of my life here has consisted of washing clothes, taking care of puppies, sleeping and writing in this blog...Where is the development in that??? I’m actually thinking that going AWOL and heading to help out on a PIH project in Rwanda would be much more useful... Maybe I should write my thesis on the ineffectiveness of international development. Maybe more WOULD come out of an organization like TOCaDI disintegrating and letting the people pick up the pieces?
The room-mate situation is also disintegrating .. speaking of that ...I am sure she is getting tired of me.. and especially the little ones. She hates the puppies most of the time, guess she isn’t a dog person after all. So anyways PeaceCorps doesn’t allow her to live with any room-mates and yet she defied them and stayed with me. Initially. Now all of a sudden PeaceCorps knows about it, and they have put their foot down. Really it’s that she wants her privacy, and quiet and routine and I and my puppies disrupt that. Which is fine, but why not just say that? Why not just say I would rather have my own place? I know it’s exhausting to adjust to living with someone new and a new routine.. but it shouldn’t be embarrassing or shameful to admit that..So she’s moving out, to the small little room she initially had moved into... and in which she will wait in eager anticipation for me to leave. Then she will get her large house, with no puppies, can use my room to work out in and will have the kitchen to herself. I’m totally okay with that, I’m actually anticipating her move so that I can actually play my guitar again, and not have to lock my door all the time!! She’s just as bad as Matt lol.
I keep having the oddest nostalgic moments these days. Just a few moments ago I had a memory of sitting in Calla, Sameen and Crystal’s apartment working on our essays/assignments. The stress of school, with the assurance of good friends and the smell of yummy tea heating on the stove.
July 28th.
I am tempted to say I hate this place. My puppies have finally ventured out into the field.... out of the compound. It’s only a matter of time before they merge into crazy wolf dogs. I wonder if I can just tie them up? Then as soon as I let them off they will run away. I can’t believe they just walked away from me. I just want to go home. I’m tired of work and drama and arguing and this silliness.
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Tuesday, 5 July 2011
dust.
I cannot believe it’s July already. Maybe its because it feels like April and the sun still sets at 6:30. You would think that being in a place where it never snows, and there’s never really winter would be really optimistic, but it’s actually kind of depressing. Everything is always never quite right, always too hot or too cold... and you never get to the deep of winter or the middle of a nice hot humid summer. It’s definitely throwing off my internal circadian rhythm. I wonder what life would be like as a caterpillar ...anyways.
I got two puppies a few days ago. We went to Sekondomboro during the hiking trail and I was asking around if anyone had puppies. We were in luck and our cook had two that were about 2-3 months old. So I went to see them, since I was bored... and next thing I knew I had bought two puppies for 15 bucks. The boy, whom we’ve named Peanut Gallery, is smaller likely because of worms and is very cuddly. Lily, the larger and spunkier is so smart and has already learned to sit :) They are adorable, love being outside and are learning fast and are so much happier than when I first got them. We’re really lucky right now that the hikers from Scotland are here because they are the best puppy sitters ever. I don’t know what we’ll do when they’re gone... I hope the puppies can keep themselves occupied and won’t figure out how to leave the compound, join a gang of wild dogs and leave us forever...When we go to the settlements I’m going to have to bring them with us at first since it’s such a long time we’re gone and I don’t trust anyone going into our house...plus we don’t have a crate. So I will be like Paris Hilton with puppies in a purse I guess lol...
I finally got a shelf to put my clothes on which is nice...and I found my lost bank card which is great since money is a good thing ...
To keep this short I will just say that I really miss TV and horses and having a large oven with consistent electricity... and this is not culture shock. This is knowing what I am missing and pining for it... and that will not change. I have realized how awesome it is to be able to buy anything from around the world, to cook amazing varied food ever day and to have a huge fridge, kitchen and stove to cook on! Also I love that there is no sand in Canada. I hated sand before I came here... unless I was lying on a beach... and even then once I left it’s soothing warmth I hated the remains of beach all over my things and person... But now I loath sand. It’s incredibly irritating sweeping every night and still having piles of dirt in your house... and having to wash your feet every day because otherwise they’d turn black. I’m all for sun and warmth... but it’s not enough here to outweigh the negative effects of sand. I’ll choose the warm short summers of Canada in sweet smelly pine forests and rocky crags.. or the rolling green hills of Ireland and Scotland any day.
p.s. i realized that if I put all my days off at the end of my contract I will be able to leave in 6 months.. since I get 10 days off for Christmas! So I'm either coming home early .. or going to Mozambique.....unless I can't find somewhere to leave Lily and Peanut and then I shall just come home.. :)
I got two puppies a few days ago. We went to Sekondomboro during the hiking trail and I was asking around if anyone had puppies. We were in luck and our cook had two that were about 2-3 months old. So I went to see them, since I was bored... and next thing I knew I had bought two puppies for 15 bucks. The boy, whom we’ve named Peanut Gallery, is smaller likely because of worms and is very cuddly. Lily, the larger and spunkier is so smart and has already learned to sit :) They are adorable, love being outside and are learning fast and are so much happier than when I first got them. We’re really lucky right now that the hikers from Scotland are here because they are the best puppy sitters ever. I don’t know what we’ll do when they’re gone... I hope the puppies can keep themselves occupied and won’t figure out how to leave the compound, join a gang of wild dogs and leave us forever...When we go to the settlements I’m going to have to bring them with us at first since it’s such a long time we’re gone and I don’t trust anyone going into our house...plus we don’t have a crate. So I will be like Paris Hilton with puppies in a purse I guess lol...
I finally got a shelf to put my clothes on which is nice...and I found my lost bank card which is great since money is a good thing ...
To keep this short I will just say that I really miss TV and horses and having a large oven with consistent electricity... and this is not culture shock. This is knowing what I am missing and pining for it... and that will not change. I have realized how awesome it is to be able to buy anything from around the world, to cook amazing varied food ever day and to have a huge fridge, kitchen and stove to cook on! Also I love that there is no sand in Canada. I hated sand before I came here... unless I was lying on a beach... and even then once I left it’s soothing warmth I hated the remains of beach all over my things and person... But now I loath sand. It’s incredibly irritating sweeping every night and still having piles of dirt in your house... and having to wash your feet every day because otherwise they’d turn black. I’m all for sun and warmth... but it’s not enough here to outweigh the negative effects of sand. I’ll choose the warm short summers of Canada in sweet smelly pine forests and rocky crags.. or the rolling green hills of Ireland and Scotland any day.
p.s. i realized that if I put all my days off at the end of my contract I will be able to leave in 6 months.. since I get 10 days off for Christmas! So I'm either coming home early .. or going to Mozambique.....unless I can't find somewhere to leave Lily and Peanut and then I shall just come home.. :)
Monday, 27 June 2011
lol
So ... about that power issue in Shakawe. Lol today was funny. I actually made myself laugh out loud. I was up in the office around 6 pm writing a fb message since the internet was actually working well. The power went out so I decided to head back to the house and make dinner. There I was making a delicious vegetable-egg stir-fry with and drinking some red wine by candle light actually enjoying the nice mood set by the dim lighting...the only thing was I was watching Pushing Daisies with the remaining power left in my computer.... So when it died and I resigned myself to reading A farewell to Arms by candlelight I was surprised to see a light coming from beyond the sheet hanging over my window. Could there be power at the office and not here? How is that possible ? I thought.... lol Then I realized what if I had the lights turned off this entire time? So I checked. And I was right. For the last three hours I had been sitting in the dark and could have potentially had the lights on....
Adding to the reasons I thought the power was out was that my fridge was not making its familiar hum. When I realized the power was actually on I then remembered that I hadn’t plugged my fridge back in after using it for lunch... ooops. Guess this gives me further incentive to just get a power bar so that I can plug both in at the same time... lol Anyways... it’s time for bed so bonne nuite!
Adding to the reasons I thought the power was out was that my fridge was not making its familiar hum. When I realized the power was actually on I then remembered that I hadn’t plugged my fridge back in after using it for lunch... ooops. Guess this gives me further incentive to just get a power bar so that I can plug both in at the same time... lol Anyways... it’s time for bed so bonne nuite!
oh so many issues...
June 26th & 27th
Coldplay has a song called Fix You which seems to express what I’m going through right now. There are so many issues here, which I can’t possibly understand, much less fix. As I brush up against them I am confused and frustrated, by the lack of apparent confrontation and effort to solve these problems and also by the outright corruption which is rationalized as ‘the way it is’....’this is Africa’....’things are hard here.’ How am I supposed to refute that? Would I do the same if I were in their place? Is this just the way things will always be? Is this how things were in Europe when it was developing? I’m not sure I have answers for any of these questions but let me fill you in a little about the work I’m starting to actually do.
The TOCaDI Health Program is run through another part of the Kuru Development Trust called Letloa. They operate health programs in all the Kuru Trusts. The way they are intended to run is very community based and with low costs to maintain. In each settlement there is a CTBC ( Community TB Care promoter ) who is responsible for visiting patients with TB and making sure they take their daily medication. This treatment procedure is called DOTS (direct observed therapy) and ensures that patient’s adhere to their treatment to prevent multiple drug resistance. We are supposed to go visit these CTBCs once a month to check up on how things are going and any issues they have with patients or the clinic.
My job is specifically to help in bringing a new dimension to this program- HIV/AIDs. Believe it or not, even with an HIV/AIDs prevalence rate of 17-25% Botswana has been focusing on treating TB rather than AIDs.. although ARVs are free and available to all in Bots. So the idea is that a focus on HIV/AIDS will be tied into the TB program we already have running, and additionally a testing day separate from the mobile clinic that comes once a month (or is supposed to...). In Botswana almost 86% of those with TB also have HIV but when a patient is tested positive for TB they do not have to get an HIV test, a lot of nurses and doctors don’t even ask. This new national program is targeting this problem so that anyone with TB is right away tested for HIV and put on ARVS.
We visited a village last week to meet with one of the CTBCs and spoke with them about what issues were going on, any to clarify our understanding of their jobs. It turns out that in this settlement where there is claimed to be no TB patients, there are 10 people at least who are on ARVs, meaning they have HIV/AIDs. Yet this CTBC does not help them in any way, unless in her own time. As we try to change the program we’re hoping that they can assist them in getting their monthly refill of ARVs, which they have to travel almost 20km often on foot to get and then 20 back...
The job really feels more like politicking and business..not health. Anyways I have been having a few really good conversations with some co-workers about the issues with the San in the area and outright racism, even within TOCaDI. It’s really frustrating to see it, in a place that has so many issues for basic survival it’s so sad to see ethnic tensions that seem to exist for no reason other than basic human hatred. I’ve thought that I could possibly do my research on the issues surrounding the San’s history of leaving their land to others when asked. They are not seeming confrontational in any way.. which could be cultural and/or possibly contributed to by internalization of the things they hear around them, that they’re not good for anything, shouldn’t be given jobs and even shouldn’t eat from the same pots as other Motswana. This is the division within humanity that I feel is evil. How can human beings look at each other, in one another’s eyes, and hold their children and conclude that they are less than human? It seems absolutely ridiculous.
Tomorrow the group from Canada is supposed to be arriving. I feel like it could be an utter disaster. I have no idea what’s going on, let’s just hope that Patrick has it under control. Last night I learned that he never emailed their group about whether there are allergies or food preferences, he said he felt it wasn’t necessary... that even though we were ordering 2000P worth of food... we don’t need to ask them first if they can eat it! Well that just about made my head explode and steam burst from my ears... needless to say I wasn’t exactly a stereotypical polite Canadian in that moment. But it all seems to have blown over... and now I’m waiting for the food to arrive so that I can begin cooking.
I got my guitar today, which isn’t that bad for a hundred bucks.. the neck is just a bit warped.. but I do know someone who can hopefully fix that up for me :) Also I met a French guy today, one of Sara’s friends from Maun. He’s a pilot and is staying in Shakawe for a few months flying tourists around so it seems our little expat circle is growing ... maybe I can get a flight out of it ... surprising it’s not even that expensive! It’s about 500P each if you can get 6 people to go... which is about what I spend on groceries for a month.
We baked last night, carrot cake and peanut butter cookies. No wonder I’m getting fat. Had some wine and orange juice (closest thing I could make to Sangria lol .. ) and watched Closer... which I remembered correctly is a really odd messed up movie. Dinah’s gone now for a few days, which is kind of nice actually. She’s visiting some settlements with Gae....I couldn’t go because of this hiking group. I’m not too keen on going since there’s no toilets and it’s cold... but sigh I had agreed to it before I thought it out.
I have yet to find running shoes... and I’m getting chubbier by the day. I was so excited to get away from school and sitting at a desk.. and guess what I do every day lol... oh my life is so ironic. Now I’m sitting in the dark and thinking of what to eat for dinner....rice and stir-fry? salad? pb & j..? aw now i miss paul and brittany and jess :)
If anyone sends another care package I would love to have my Kreyol song book.. it’s got a blue cover and it’s in Kreyol.. and english. Also I would love Daisy :) I’m warning you now that the likelihood of my coming home with a dog is very high... is Hannah ready for her new dog? lol it wouldn’t be a Chihuahua...or maybe I could just have two. I mean I may just head straight to my buying my ranch... two dogs would be good :)
I’m looking for investors btw ;P
It was minus 5 last night, can you believe it ? I hope my lettuce lasts :)
Coldplay has a song called Fix You which seems to express what I’m going through right now. There are so many issues here, which I can’t possibly understand, much less fix. As I brush up against them I am confused and frustrated, by the lack of apparent confrontation and effort to solve these problems and also by the outright corruption which is rationalized as ‘the way it is’....’this is Africa’....’things are hard here.’ How am I supposed to refute that? Would I do the same if I were in their place? Is this just the way things will always be? Is this how things were in Europe when it was developing? I’m not sure I have answers for any of these questions but let me fill you in a little about the work I’m starting to actually do.
The TOCaDI Health Program is run through another part of the Kuru Development Trust called Letloa. They operate health programs in all the Kuru Trusts. The way they are intended to run is very community based and with low costs to maintain. In each settlement there is a CTBC ( Community TB Care promoter ) who is responsible for visiting patients with TB and making sure they take their daily medication. This treatment procedure is called DOTS (direct observed therapy) and ensures that patient’s adhere to their treatment to prevent multiple drug resistance. We are supposed to go visit these CTBCs once a month to check up on how things are going and any issues they have with patients or the clinic.
My job is specifically to help in bringing a new dimension to this program- HIV/AIDs. Believe it or not, even with an HIV/AIDs prevalence rate of 17-25% Botswana has been focusing on treating TB rather than AIDs.. although ARVs are free and available to all in Bots. So the idea is that a focus on HIV/AIDS will be tied into the TB program we already have running, and additionally a testing day separate from the mobile clinic that comes once a month (or is supposed to...). In Botswana almost 86% of those with TB also have HIV but when a patient is tested positive for TB they do not have to get an HIV test, a lot of nurses and doctors don’t even ask. This new national program is targeting this problem so that anyone with TB is right away tested for HIV and put on ARVS.
We visited a village last week to meet with one of the CTBCs and spoke with them about what issues were going on, any to clarify our understanding of their jobs. It turns out that in this settlement where there is claimed to be no TB patients, there are 10 people at least who are on ARVs, meaning they have HIV/AIDs. Yet this CTBC does not help them in any way, unless in her own time. As we try to change the program we’re hoping that they can assist them in getting their monthly refill of ARVs, which they have to travel almost 20km often on foot to get and then 20 back...
The job really feels more like politicking and business..not health. Anyways I have been having a few really good conversations with some co-workers about the issues with the San in the area and outright racism, even within TOCaDI. It’s really frustrating to see it, in a place that has so many issues for basic survival it’s so sad to see ethnic tensions that seem to exist for no reason other than basic human hatred. I’ve thought that I could possibly do my research on the issues surrounding the San’s history of leaving their land to others when asked. They are not seeming confrontational in any way.. which could be cultural and/or possibly contributed to by internalization of the things they hear around them, that they’re not good for anything, shouldn’t be given jobs and even shouldn’t eat from the same pots as other Motswana. This is the division within humanity that I feel is evil. How can human beings look at each other, in one another’s eyes, and hold their children and conclude that they are less than human? It seems absolutely ridiculous.
Tomorrow the group from Canada is supposed to be arriving. I feel like it could be an utter disaster. I have no idea what’s going on, let’s just hope that Patrick has it under control. Last night I learned that he never emailed their group about whether there are allergies or food preferences, he said he felt it wasn’t necessary... that even though we were ordering 2000P worth of food... we don’t need to ask them first if they can eat it! Well that just about made my head explode and steam burst from my ears... needless to say I wasn’t exactly a stereotypical polite Canadian in that moment. But it all seems to have blown over... and now I’m waiting for the food to arrive so that I can begin cooking.
I got my guitar today, which isn’t that bad for a hundred bucks.. the neck is just a bit warped.. but I do know someone who can hopefully fix that up for me :) Also I met a French guy today, one of Sara’s friends from Maun. He’s a pilot and is staying in Shakawe for a few months flying tourists around so it seems our little expat circle is growing ... maybe I can get a flight out of it ... surprising it’s not even that expensive! It’s about 500P each if you can get 6 people to go... which is about what I spend on groceries for a month.
We baked last night, carrot cake and peanut butter cookies. No wonder I’m getting fat. Had some wine and orange juice (closest thing I could make to Sangria lol .. ) and watched Closer... which I remembered correctly is a really odd messed up movie. Dinah’s gone now for a few days, which is kind of nice actually. She’s visiting some settlements with Gae....I couldn’t go because of this hiking group. I’m not too keen on going since there’s no toilets and it’s cold... but sigh I had agreed to it before I thought it out.
I have yet to find running shoes... and I’m getting chubbier by the day. I was so excited to get away from school and sitting at a desk.. and guess what I do every day lol... oh my life is so ironic. Now I’m sitting in the dark and thinking of what to eat for dinner....rice and stir-fry? salad? pb & j..? aw now i miss paul and brittany and jess :)
If anyone sends another care package I would love to have my Kreyol song book.. it’s got a blue cover and it’s in Kreyol.. and english. Also I would love Daisy :) I’m warning you now that the likelihood of my coming home with a dog is very high... is Hannah ready for her new dog? lol it wouldn’t be a Chihuahua...or maybe I could just have two. I mean I may just head straight to my buying my ranch... two dogs would be good :)
I’m looking for investors btw ;P
It was minus 5 last night, can you believe it ? I hope my lettuce lasts :)
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
Waiting waiting waiting....
so tired. wellness day today - June 21st
June 22
Yesterday was Wellness Day at TOCaDI. Dinah and I stayed up late into the night making posters and a huge banner out of condoms, eagerly anticipating the next day. It started off terribly.I slept late. There was no staff on time. The guests just started arriving around 9 am...But considering all that it went well. We had about 70 attendees and we had speakers on TB, HIV/AIDS and malaria. We also gave away prizes for games, pamphlets at the health education stalls and had lunch. It was an okay day, but there were definitely some frustrating moments.
For instance the lack of recycling programs is frustrating especially with a giant pile of styrofoam to look at while we eat. There also seems to be a lack of motivation by everyone in general and absolutely no willingness to work on their own time unless there is so personal gain from it. I wonder if we in the development world have created this....? Then there was the problem with the woman who came to offer testing for HIV/AIDS. We had at least women come up to us and ask to be tested and she turned them away, first saying that she would only test TOCaDI staff, then saying she couldn’t not test them since they had been tested in the last three months, and then finally admitting she had only brought 9 testing kits. Why bring 9 kits when she knew that there would be 100 guests who could all potentially be tested? This was a little annoying, especially since it was supposed to run all day and ran maybe for a few hours. I didn’t get tested because of it.
..........its been 7 weeks...feels like 2 days....it also feels like its been years. I’m ready to go home....I find myself wishing I would get cerebral malaria so I could go home....ick.
Oh guitar I hope your soothing sounds and synesthesia will be able to keep me at least civil instead of turning into a bitter grouchy person...and I was afraid of being a politician...lol
Well at least I have my one coping mechanism left, WINE... which isn’t actually a good one..but at least it’s there.
I still have no idea what to research...nor do I really have any interest in doing research here. ... there seems to be perfectly adequate people here to do their own social research.. and they only things I would carry out would basically criticize and demoralize the people...
Everything is depressing, why don’t people do something?...why don’t people change their behaviour?
We got a hunk of cow. Yes Cow. we almost got the tail even... we stopped by a Hambukushu woman’s home and she had just slaughtered one and gave us some... complete with dirt and flies :) So my freezer has a hunk of cow ribs in it. Needless to say we’ll need some wine to wash it down.
Frisco’s working on getting me a horse... and I still have to go to the police station to work out whether I can ride their horses..but I should bring someone with me I guess so that I don’t look like I’m a crazy white girl trying to ride their horses...so I have to wait for that as well.
Tomorrow we’re headed out to a settlement, finally,... only after about 7 weeks of waiting... no wonder the health program isn’t working.
Anyone want to fake a death so that I can rush home??? Seriously?
You know it’s hard enough for me to make friends with those of my own ‘culture’, which I never really seem to fit into. Here its a thousand times worse. Why can I not seem to click with anyone? Am I that bitter? I need to change my attitude....but this is that ever present question...how do you change behaviour? And we all know the answer.. subconsciously at least....
anyways i’m eating my last piece of gum without aspartame ....and am thinking about what movie to watch. alone. which I am actually saying with pleasure.. as you guessed it I am slightly tired of people’s company. I had grown to enjoy my slow quiet mornings with the sunrise... and now I have banging pots, singing and the mandatory ‘good morning’.... Yelena I miss you! You understood my hatred of mornings.. and oh how I miss smoking shisha with you and Daisy ...
I miss my dogs soooo much... who knew what an addiction animals are. I feel like I’m in animal withdrawl. I find myself letting the donkeys into the compound so that I can hear them snorting :)
There's a choir singing in our property right now, its really nice...should try recording it one day. the one thing I don't like about the music here is that it's incredibly repetitive...and also makes use of too many electronic instruments.........
yeah ciao have nothing else to say.
June 22
Yesterday was Wellness Day at TOCaDI. Dinah and I stayed up late into the night making posters and a huge banner out of condoms, eagerly anticipating the next day. It started off terribly.I slept late. There was no staff on time. The guests just started arriving around 9 am...But considering all that it went well. We had about 70 attendees and we had speakers on TB, HIV/AIDS and malaria. We also gave away prizes for games, pamphlets at the health education stalls and had lunch. It was an okay day, but there were definitely some frustrating moments.
For instance the lack of recycling programs is frustrating especially with a giant pile of styrofoam to look at while we eat. There also seems to be a lack of motivation by everyone in general and absolutely no willingness to work on their own time unless there is so personal gain from it. I wonder if we in the development world have created this....? Then there was the problem with the woman who came to offer testing for HIV/AIDS. We had at least women come up to us and ask to be tested and she turned them away, first saying that she would only test TOCaDI staff, then saying she couldn’t not test them since they had been tested in the last three months, and then finally admitting she had only brought 9 testing kits. Why bring 9 kits when she knew that there would be 100 guests who could all potentially be tested? This was a little annoying, especially since it was supposed to run all day and ran maybe for a few hours. I didn’t get tested because of it.
..........its been 7 weeks...feels like 2 days....it also feels like its been years. I’m ready to go home....I find myself wishing I would get cerebral malaria so I could go home....ick.
Oh guitar I hope your soothing sounds and synesthesia will be able to keep me at least civil instead of turning into a bitter grouchy person...and I was afraid of being a politician...lol
Well at least I have my one coping mechanism left, WINE... which isn’t actually a good one..but at least it’s there.
I still have no idea what to research...nor do I really have any interest in doing research here. ... there seems to be perfectly adequate people here to do their own social research.. and they only things I would carry out would basically criticize and demoralize the people...
Everything is depressing, why don’t people do something?...why don’t people change their behaviour?
We got a hunk of cow. Yes Cow. we almost got the tail even... we stopped by a Hambukushu woman’s home and she had just slaughtered one and gave us some... complete with dirt and flies :) So my freezer has a hunk of cow ribs in it. Needless to say we’ll need some wine to wash it down.
Frisco’s working on getting me a horse... and I still have to go to the police station to work out whether I can ride their horses..but I should bring someone with me I guess so that I don’t look like I’m a crazy white girl trying to ride their horses...so I have to wait for that as well.
Tomorrow we’re headed out to a settlement, finally,... only after about 7 weeks of waiting... no wonder the health program isn’t working.
Anyone want to fake a death so that I can rush home??? Seriously?
You know it’s hard enough for me to make friends with those of my own ‘culture’, which I never really seem to fit into. Here its a thousand times worse. Why can I not seem to click with anyone? Am I that bitter? I need to change my attitude....but this is that ever present question...how do you change behaviour? And we all know the answer.. subconsciously at least....
anyways i’m eating my last piece of gum without aspartame ....and am thinking about what movie to watch. alone. which I am actually saying with pleasure.. as you guessed it I am slightly tired of people’s company. I had grown to enjoy my slow quiet mornings with the sunrise... and now I have banging pots, singing and the mandatory ‘good morning’.... Yelena I miss you! You understood my hatred of mornings.. and oh how I miss smoking shisha with you and Daisy ...
I miss my dogs soooo much... who knew what an addiction animals are. I feel like I’m in animal withdrawl. I find myself letting the donkeys into the compound so that I can hear them snorting :)
There's a choir singing in our property right now, its really nice...should try recording it one day. the one thing I don't like about the music here is that it's incredibly repetitive...and also makes use of too many electronic instruments.........
yeah ciao have nothing else to say.
Thursday, 16 June 2011
i'll fly away oh glory...
June 14th
I am tired. I think I would like to now read someone else’s blog....instead of writing my own.
June 16th ,
Today is the day of the African child...never heard of it. I’m watching a white moth flutter against the window, trying to get to the light, the dark ready to swallow it up.
I wonder how long it will take for it to realize its efforts are futile?
How often am I a moth, pushing, straining, against something unmovable and so much larger than myself which I will never break through? How are we as humans doing the same? Are we just all moths fluttering around thinking we can reach the light, when really we’re just wearing ourselves to death trying...?
Its kind of like how today the water didn’t work, but I decided my hair had reached its unacceptable greasy stage and so deserved to be washed...After the effort of boiling water, filling the basin/bucket and ‘showering’ I sat down to watch Vicky Christina Barcelona while my hair dried. And it dried. To a greasy dirty mess, worse than before I had washed it. How does this happen I ask?
I am like the moth, assuming if I see light, or in my case water and soap, my hair will be clean? I guess the shampoo here is really not made for white hair...we’ll have to try something else...
In other less depressing and contemplative news, I have a new room-mate named Dinah. She is nice, speaks Spanish, Italian and some French and can cook! I’m happy so far, although she has an irritating habit of locking the door. Which, as anyone who knows me should know, I don’t really enjoy, nor agree with. Even when I go out to dump the compost I come back to the house to a locked door... but at least she has good motives for doing it....I think. I still say we should live as if we live in the world we want to live in...besides what could happen? Someone steal my underwear?
In work news drama is building, we are having quite a confrontational meeting tomorrow which should be interesting. We are also finishing up the interviews for a driver so hopefully we’ll soon have a vehicle and driver and can actually work in the health program. Let me just say that I really admire those people who have worked patiently in the development world to improve capacity and break corruption... its a trying task and one which I would say is impossible. Its turns out I am not an eternally positive person. Cough.
Tomorrow I am also going to Maun hopefully with Dinah to go shopping, visit Sara ( a friend I met in training in Gabarone) and spend some much needed time out of Shakawe! I think I will also buy some good wine and lettuce :)
ps. Vicky Christina Barcelona is creepy, the characters kind of seem like the two sides of my personality....
so my tailbone hurts.. and i have nothing worthy to write about and thus will leave you with another quote
~ the horizon has been defeated by the pirates of the new age, alien casinos well maybe I just have to say that things can go bad and make you wanna run away but as we grow older the trouble just seems to stay.... Jack Johnson
Internet sucks. period.
I am tired. I think I would like to now read someone else’s blog....instead of writing my own.
June 16th ,
Today is the day of the African child...never heard of it. I’m watching a white moth flutter against the window, trying to get to the light, the dark ready to swallow it up.
I wonder how long it will take for it to realize its efforts are futile?
How often am I a moth, pushing, straining, against something unmovable and so much larger than myself which I will never break through? How are we as humans doing the same? Are we just all moths fluttering around thinking we can reach the light, when really we’re just wearing ourselves to death trying...?
Its kind of like how today the water didn’t work, but I decided my hair had reached its unacceptable greasy stage and so deserved to be washed...After the effort of boiling water, filling the basin/bucket and ‘showering’ I sat down to watch Vicky Christina Barcelona while my hair dried. And it dried. To a greasy dirty mess, worse than before I had washed it. How does this happen I ask?
I am like the moth, assuming if I see light, or in my case water and soap, my hair will be clean? I guess the shampoo here is really not made for white hair...we’ll have to try something else...
In other less depressing and contemplative news, I have a new room-mate named Dinah. She is nice, speaks Spanish, Italian and some French and can cook! I’m happy so far, although she has an irritating habit of locking the door. Which, as anyone who knows me should know, I don’t really enjoy, nor agree with. Even when I go out to dump the compost I come back to the house to a locked door... but at least she has good motives for doing it....I think. I still say we should live as if we live in the world we want to live in...besides what could happen? Someone steal my underwear?
In work news drama is building, we are having quite a confrontational meeting tomorrow which should be interesting. We are also finishing up the interviews for a driver so hopefully we’ll soon have a vehicle and driver and can actually work in the health program. Let me just say that I really admire those people who have worked patiently in the development world to improve capacity and break corruption... its a trying task and one which I would say is impossible. Its turns out I am not an eternally positive person. Cough.
Tomorrow I am also going to Maun hopefully with Dinah to go shopping, visit Sara ( a friend I met in training in Gabarone) and spend some much needed time out of Shakawe! I think I will also buy some good wine and lettuce :)
ps. Vicky Christina Barcelona is creepy, the characters kind of seem like the two sides of my personality....
so my tailbone hurts.. and i have nothing worthy to write about and thus will leave you with another quote
~ the horizon has been defeated by the pirates of the new age, alien casinos well maybe I just have to say that things can go bad and make you wanna run away but as we grow older the trouble just seems to stay.... Jack Johnson
Internet sucks. period.
Thursday, 9 June 2011
OMGSH ITS WORKING
I can't believe I am actually on this page and typing....let's just hope it posts. I think I will post all the backdated posts at once..since they're really all the same, complaining and more complaining. Feel free to not read them. In fact I don't think you should...it likely doesn't reveal anything good about me. I'm really bad at this look on the bright side of things, but I'm going to give it a go again. I should be grateful, I mean anyone in their right mind would be. I have a job that allows me to save a little bit, I'm in a 'safe' country, have my own house and 'running' water and electricity I should be happy. And so everyday I will find 10 things to be grateful about, truly grateful and not just in the sense of 'well it's better than something else',.... well here is what you've missed....
making friends. June 4th...and some 3rd...
certain things you just shouldn’t make friends with. such as...cats, when you’re allergic to them. at this moment I have one rubbing and purring and clawing at me...while I attempt to type...how on earth do I make this cat understand that i like it but do not want it to rub on me?....I have pushed it away, put it on the floor, hissed at it.. yet it still purrs away...sigh...what does it mean when cats stick their tongues out anyways?
It looks like I’ll be sniffling for a lot longer....although apparently my new roomie doesn’t like cats at all and wants a dog, which I’m good with !...maybe I’ll grow out of it ....
Went to an SDA church today, Seventh Day Adventist...and tagged along to a baptism class...the guy made the mistake of translating a question and then asking me what I thought .. lol I don’t think I gave him the answer he was looking for. He asked me what I thought God would say about a baby who died, whether they were sinful or innocent and also where sin came from, if we were born with it. I said yes we were born sinners, but that I believed that we have already been redeemed we just have to choose to embrace that reality and renew our way of thinking to follow Christ. He just smiled. In regards to the baby issue, I told them that I believed that one is most likely judged based upon what they know, what God has revealed to them in different ways and how they have responded.. obviously for a baby I said that they cannot consciously think...so no they wouldn’t go to hell.
Well lol... he just looked at me ... and then started speaking in Setswana... about 15 min later he laughed and said “ooops.. we’ve left you behind.”.. hehehe. So I guess what I said didn’t fit into his talk about repentance and people being born sinners and if you don’t say sorry you’ll go to hell. His explanation about the babies...was that in the same way a child can get fetal alcohol syndrome they absorb the sin from their mother. ....I don’t know ? Any biblical references for this one? It was interesting anyways....sang some old presbyterian hymns in setswana... I think it will be good for learning, which I have definitely decided to do... though it seems to be difficult to find a teacher, even though they’re all on strike right now. A peace corp worker I was talking with said that most of the teachers don’t really like their jobs and are alcoholics... and are using the strike to just avoid work and drink...which is lovely...and they only teacher I have been recommended is also a drunk.... so ...still on the look out :)
This afternoon we went to see a cultural dance competition which was very interesting, I was one of two white people there out of hundreds... which was great :) Good dancing and music... but as such we distracted TKZ from her work and I didn’t do my washing....
So tomorrow I get to do laundry and go to church again.. this time at Zion Christian Church which I am now a little scared of. My friends told me stories about being spit on and water flicked on you and charms being used in the service....my friend who goes to an Assemblies of God church says outright that it’s a cult... I’ll get to the A of G next weekend....after that there’s some tent church... not sure of the denomination of that .. and then the meeting of expats that meet at someone’s house, which is seeming a bit more promising, if the A of G doesn’t suit me... but we’ll see ! At least most people go to church here.. actually probably at least 90 % so I have plenty of people to go with.
Did I mention that this PeaceCorp person is also in social work...lol made me think of you Jess! Maybe you should still join...seems like something I could see you doing :) I went over for curry at her place and the best part was that she has books! and movies! so I borrowed some :)
I also attempted to bake some Amish White Bread... sounded really easy.. didn’t turn out so great..more like irish soda bread, but sweet...and a little thick like pizza dough??? It didn’t rise.. I think I may have put too much yeast in it ? I’m not sure... or maybe kneaded it too much. But it’s still good to eat...just not really with salty things lol. I guess I’m still far from domesticated.
Sunday June 5th
Well the good news is that this ‘long’ weekend actually flew by. I didn’t even get to do my compost...:( oh well it will give me something to do this week while my counterpart is on vacation. I back out of going to ZCC today...when I was told that I had to cover my head, wear long sleeves and a skirt and had to sit alone with the women... I just couldn’t do it, too creepy...guess the other guys really got to me and freaked me out.
Talk about freakin out, apparently there are people in this area who wait in the bush for a person and take their organs or eyes etc for religious charms and stuff.. creepy right...I don’t think I’ll be going out at night unless I have a guy or car to take me home.
I made a bunch of food and we has dinner at Moronga’s with Satau and Raymond and Moronga’s girlfriend. It was really nice, felt a little like family :) Hopefully I will go out hunting with them in the bush one day... that would be awesome.
The internet is unbearable at the moment.......think rush hour traffic when your a/c is broken and it’s 45 degrees and the car next to you is blasting the most annoying music in the world....no I actually don’t think that even comes close to the irritation I feel.
.....um. so any guesses as to what would be small enough to live in the ceiling of the office building without falling through the tiles?? .. yet large enough to make loud banging noises that sound like someone moving open or closing a drawer....?? It sounds like it’s going to fall through the roof....
I finished my book ‘20 Chickens for a Saddle’ which was great and has inspired the possibility of a road trip to see where they lived in Selebi-Phikwe in Botswana .I am now onto ‘Water for Elephants’ , and am about half way through and it’s pretty good, though it makes me wonder about getting old and I don’t really like that topic..It’s about a man who is in an old folks home and keeps flashing back to when his parents died and he left home to join a circus.I think I could work for a circus....wonder if they are still easy to get jobs at? I could work with the horses :)
You know I feel a lot more at ease here lately, I think largely because I keep forgetting that I’m here with the university, and especially that I will have to do research. As soon as I remember I suddenly get anxious until I push it out of my mind...Do you think that’s a bad thing? I am supposed to be excited about research right....?
The main thing is that I can’t really come up with anything good... I have a few ideas such as ....1) Looking into how the way government jobs are set up are contributing to the HIV/AIDS epidemic
Something to do with behavioural change and education etc .. how to make campaigns that actually change behaviour....for HIV/AIDS/teen pregnancy/alcoholism
The contribution of loss of identity and culture in creating social problems in the San (alcoholism, TB, AIDs)
The pattern of movement (‘forced’ relocation) of the San from their villages as others move in
Why do the recommendations made in HIV/AIDS and/or TB monitoring and evaluation reports never get put into action and policy?? -where is the action in the North???
Why does no one do anything? Lack of volunteerism, disillusioned, no hope....the biggest impediment to change...
That’s about it for now...any ideas or opinions on them would be great!
June 6th
I’m reading through a medical dictionary for my own amusement as the internet is non-existent. How on earth did businesses run back in the days before the internet? I mean how did you get answers, find funding, make connections? I guess they used phones and talked to people...such a different world. Even here in Botswana, without the internet I have nothing to do. Perhaps though that is because I really have NOTHING to do but occupy myself with doing research online.....Anyways as I peruse through the many ailments and terrible illustrations that I wish were actual photographs, I wondered, “Has anyone ever died of boredom?” I mean people have heart attacks from sitting in front of their computer or playing video games....why not of boredom. There must come a point when your body agrees with your mind and realizes that if life continues this way you may as well be dead and then you die....or jump off a building...either way your dead. I guess I could be the experiment as to whether this is true or not...so stay tuned!
On a more positive note my missing movies have returned and started to download again...although that may be a slight problem as I have about 4GB left on my hard drive ...eeek. Guess I’ll have to do some computer cleaning :)
..................................
I am currently fantasizing about jumping off a high skyscraper in some beautiful city, like New York and floating nicely to the ground where I am rendered dead and off to another world....oh how I wish I wasn’t here...
....................................
I am out to lunch. on another planet. kaput. catatonic. daydreaming. may as well be stoned. most productive thing i’m doing is giving myself skin cancer by sitting in the sun all day watching the grass grow.....bored.
Never again will I travel without my guitar. Nor without a lifetime supply of coffee and Heinz ketchup. The ketchup here just makes me sadder everytime I eat it. It’s like it’s going bad or something...which it possibly could be...but I don’t think that’s it. I make such great food...and then put ketchup on it and it’s destroyed.....even fries! They’re supposed to be married to ketchup.. how can you have one without the other....but this ketchup just tastes like I poured cinnamon on everything.
I think also tomorrow morning if my shower fails yet again I will make my own shower...I’ll just buy a large bucket and cut a hole in the side, put a tube or funnel in it and plug it with a cork and then fill it with hot water....then I can have a nice staggered shower...at least I can predict the amount of water I’ll have...
*(I did make my own shower. In a bucket and let me tell you it was amazing ! I had some flashbacks when I bent down to kill a bug of sitting in the kitchen sink for baths when I was an infant ..lol....but at least I got clean!)
............
June 8th was omitted due to the anger and frustration ...it just was not becoming.
Anyways. Tomorrow the power will be off all day. I hope my mayonnaise does not go bad and give me food poisoning. I am helping to plan the meals and food budget for a group that's coming from Canada to go on the hiking trail :) Seems just like going camping....
The office is quite frustrating right now. I am appalled at the lack of trasnparency that I am finding out about....and with the apparent expectation that no one will do anything out of good will...BUT...
It's almost the weekend. I am going to go grocery shopping and splurge and buy ice cream ... and since my fridge it empty it will likely cost me at least 300P...which is about $45 CND...I guess that's not too bad....but after living with Yel and spending 10-20 every two weeks...I got spoilt I guess...
We'll I'm off to see the Wizard (i mean read about the Wizard ..:))
making friends. June 4th...and some 3rd...
certain things you just shouldn’t make friends with. such as...cats, when you’re allergic to them. at this moment I have one rubbing and purring and clawing at me...while I attempt to type...how on earth do I make this cat understand that i like it but do not want it to rub on me?....I have pushed it away, put it on the floor, hissed at it.. yet it still purrs away...sigh...what does it mean when cats stick their tongues out anyways?
It looks like I’ll be sniffling for a lot longer....although apparently my new roomie doesn’t like cats at all and wants a dog, which I’m good with !...maybe I’ll grow out of it ....
Went to an SDA church today, Seventh Day Adventist...and tagged along to a baptism class...the guy made the mistake of translating a question and then asking me what I thought .. lol I don’t think I gave him the answer he was looking for. He asked me what I thought God would say about a baby who died, whether they were sinful or innocent and also where sin came from, if we were born with it. I said yes we were born sinners, but that I believed that we have already been redeemed we just have to choose to embrace that reality and renew our way of thinking to follow Christ. He just smiled. In regards to the baby issue, I told them that I believed that one is most likely judged based upon what they know, what God has revealed to them in different ways and how they have responded.. obviously for a baby I said that they cannot consciously think...so no they wouldn’t go to hell.
Well lol... he just looked at me ... and then started speaking in Setswana... about 15 min later he laughed and said “ooops.. we’ve left you behind.”.. hehehe. So I guess what I said didn’t fit into his talk about repentance and people being born sinners and if you don’t say sorry you’ll go to hell. His explanation about the babies...was that in the same way a child can get fetal alcohol syndrome they absorb the sin from their mother. ....I don’t know ? Any biblical references for this one? It was interesting anyways....sang some old presbyterian hymns in setswana... I think it will be good for learning, which I have definitely decided to do... though it seems to be difficult to find a teacher, even though they’re all on strike right now. A peace corp worker I was talking with said that most of the teachers don’t really like their jobs and are alcoholics... and are using the strike to just avoid work and drink...which is lovely...and they only teacher I have been recommended is also a drunk.... so ...still on the look out :)
This afternoon we went to see a cultural dance competition which was very interesting, I was one of two white people there out of hundreds... which was great :) Good dancing and music... but as such we distracted TKZ from her work and I didn’t do my washing....
So tomorrow I get to do laundry and go to church again.. this time at Zion Christian Church which I am now a little scared of. My friends told me stories about being spit on and water flicked on you and charms being used in the service....my friend who goes to an Assemblies of God church says outright that it’s a cult... I’ll get to the A of G next weekend....after that there’s some tent church... not sure of the denomination of that .. and then the meeting of expats that meet at someone’s house, which is seeming a bit more promising, if the A of G doesn’t suit me... but we’ll see ! At least most people go to church here.. actually probably at least 90 % so I have plenty of people to go with.
Did I mention that this PeaceCorp person is also in social work...lol made me think of you Jess! Maybe you should still join...seems like something I could see you doing :) I went over for curry at her place and the best part was that she has books! and movies! so I borrowed some :)
I also attempted to bake some Amish White Bread... sounded really easy.. didn’t turn out so great..more like irish soda bread, but sweet...and a little thick like pizza dough??? It didn’t rise.. I think I may have put too much yeast in it ? I’m not sure... or maybe kneaded it too much. But it’s still good to eat...just not really with salty things lol. I guess I’m still far from domesticated.
Sunday June 5th
Well the good news is that this ‘long’ weekend actually flew by. I didn’t even get to do my compost...:( oh well it will give me something to do this week while my counterpart is on vacation. I back out of going to ZCC today...when I was told that I had to cover my head, wear long sleeves and a skirt and had to sit alone with the women... I just couldn’t do it, too creepy...guess the other guys really got to me and freaked me out.
Talk about freakin out, apparently there are people in this area who wait in the bush for a person and take their organs or eyes etc for religious charms and stuff.. creepy right...I don’t think I’ll be going out at night unless I have a guy or car to take me home.
I made a bunch of food and we has dinner at Moronga’s with Satau and Raymond and Moronga’s girlfriend. It was really nice, felt a little like family :) Hopefully I will go out hunting with them in the bush one day... that would be awesome.
The internet is unbearable at the moment.......think rush hour traffic when your a/c is broken and it’s 45 degrees and the car next to you is blasting the most annoying music in the world....no I actually don’t think that even comes close to the irritation I feel.
.....um. so any guesses as to what would be small enough to live in the ceiling of the office building without falling through the tiles?? .. yet large enough to make loud banging noises that sound like someone moving open or closing a drawer....?? It sounds like it’s going to fall through the roof....
I finished my book ‘20 Chickens for a Saddle’ which was great and has inspired the possibility of a road trip to see where they lived in Selebi-Phikwe in Botswana .I am now onto ‘Water for Elephants’ , and am about half way through and it’s pretty good, though it makes me wonder about getting old and I don’t really like that topic..It’s about a man who is in an old folks home and keeps flashing back to when his parents died and he left home to join a circus.I think I could work for a circus....wonder if they are still easy to get jobs at? I could work with the horses :)
You know I feel a lot more at ease here lately, I think largely because I keep forgetting that I’m here with the university, and especially that I will have to do research. As soon as I remember I suddenly get anxious until I push it out of my mind...Do you think that’s a bad thing? I am supposed to be excited about research right....?
The main thing is that I can’t really come up with anything good... I have a few ideas such as ....1) Looking into how the way government jobs are set up are contributing to the HIV/AIDS epidemic
Something to do with behavioural change and education etc .. how to make campaigns that actually change behaviour....for HIV/AIDS/teen pregnancy/alcoholism
The contribution of loss of identity and culture in creating social problems in the San (alcoholism, TB, AIDs)
The pattern of movement (‘forced’ relocation) of the San from their villages as others move in
Why do the recommendations made in HIV/AIDS and/or TB monitoring and evaluation reports never get put into action and policy?? -where is the action in the North???
Why does no one do anything? Lack of volunteerism, disillusioned, no hope....the biggest impediment to change...
That’s about it for now...any ideas or opinions on them would be great!
June 6th
I’m reading through a medical dictionary for my own amusement as the internet is non-existent. How on earth did businesses run back in the days before the internet? I mean how did you get answers, find funding, make connections? I guess they used phones and talked to people...such a different world. Even here in Botswana, without the internet I have nothing to do. Perhaps though that is because I really have NOTHING to do but occupy myself with doing research online.....Anyways as I peruse through the many ailments and terrible illustrations that I wish were actual photographs, I wondered, “Has anyone ever died of boredom?” I mean people have heart attacks from sitting in front of their computer or playing video games....why not of boredom. There must come a point when your body agrees with your mind and realizes that if life continues this way you may as well be dead and then you die....or jump off a building...either way your dead. I guess I could be the experiment as to whether this is true or not...so stay tuned!
On a more positive note my missing movies have returned and started to download again...although that may be a slight problem as I have about 4GB left on my hard drive ...eeek. Guess I’ll have to do some computer cleaning :)
..................................
I am currently fantasizing about jumping off a high skyscraper in some beautiful city, like New York and floating nicely to the ground where I am rendered dead and off to another world....oh how I wish I wasn’t here...
....................................
I am out to lunch. on another planet. kaput. catatonic. daydreaming. may as well be stoned. most productive thing i’m doing is giving myself skin cancer by sitting in the sun all day watching the grass grow.....bored.
Never again will I travel without my guitar. Nor without a lifetime supply of coffee and Heinz ketchup. The ketchup here just makes me sadder everytime I eat it. It’s like it’s going bad or something...which it possibly could be...but I don’t think that’s it. I make such great food...and then put ketchup on it and it’s destroyed.....even fries! They’re supposed to be married to ketchup.. how can you have one without the other....but this ketchup just tastes like I poured cinnamon on everything.
I think also tomorrow morning if my shower fails yet again I will make my own shower...I’ll just buy a large bucket and cut a hole in the side, put a tube or funnel in it and plug it with a cork and then fill it with hot water....then I can have a nice staggered shower...at least I can predict the amount of water I’ll have...
*(I did make my own shower. In a bucket and let me tell you it was amazing ! I had some flashbacks when I bent down to kill a bug of sitting in the kitchen sink for baths when I was an infant ..lol....but at least I got clean!)
............
June 8th was omitted due to the anger and frustration ...it just was not becoming.
Anyways. Tomorrow the power will be off all day. I hope my mayonnaise does not go bad and give me food poisoning. I am helping to plan the meals and food budget for a group that's coming from Canada to go on the hiking trail :) Seems just like going camping....
The office is quite frustrating right now. I am appalled at the lack of trasnparency that I am finding out about....and with the apparent expectation that no one will do anything out of good will...BUT...
It's almost the weekend. I am going to go grocery shopping and splurge and buy ice cream ... and since my fridge it empty it will likely cost me at least 300P...which is about $45 CND...I guess that's not too bad....but after living with Yel and spending 10-20 every two weeks...I got spoilt I guess...
We'll I'm off to see the Wizard (i mean read about the Wizard ..:))
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